Maximus Twenty-Three: I'm Sorry

I'm in the closet staring at the clothes hanging on the rack. Soleil helped me pick out some new dresses so that I could wear them to award ceremonies and red carpet events. As I look at them all, I wonder why I feel like I'm not good enough to wear them. Max has been nominated for an Emmy award because of his role on that television show. Dustin was of course, invited to the ceremony, and I had given myself a pep talk earlier of why I should go with him, remembering Max's words that if I just supported Dustin, then everything would be fine. I'm getting cold feet, though, and I suddenly don't want to go to the ceremony. I really just want to watch it on tv where no one will be looking at me. I remember all the heartache that happened the first time I went to a red carpet event with him. I think that night marked the start of all our marital problems.

The time apart did us a world of good, and on our phone dates, we actually talked to each other instead of yelling. It was a welcome change from the stress our marriage had become. I realized how much I loved him while he was away. Ever since he came back, we've become a little closer.

"Helena? Do you want some help getting dressed?"

Dustin stands behind me and kisses my neck, running his hands under my shirt flirtatiously. He kisses me and I kiss him back, even though I'm not in the mood for this.

"Dustin. I changed my mind. I don't want to go."

"What? Why not? It'll be fun, there'll be dinner and some drinks, plus you get to see if Max wins an award."

"No. I'm just going to watch it on television. You can go with them. I don't want to get all dressed up anyway."

Dustin rests his hands on my hips and looks at me. He doesn't say anything, but he doesn't look upset either. I stare at him quietly, observing the color of his eyes and the curve of his nose.

"You really don't want to go?"

"No."

"Okay, I'm not going to force you to do something you don't want to do. You want to fool around with me before I go? I have some time."

Ever since that night that I wrongly seduced Dustin with an ulterior motive, he doesn't trust me if I initiate any kind of sexual activity. He also locked the condoms away so I can't sabotage them. I just wait until he asks and then I tell him yes or no. It may seem methodical, but I am okay with it. I nod at him, and smile. He takes my shirt off and unhooks my bra, followed by his shirt. I'm not comfortable having sex in any other position than laying down, so when Dustin picks me up, puts my legs around his waist, and carries me over to the wall, I tap him on the chest lightly and shake my head.

"What? You want to stop?"

"No, I don't want to do this standing up. Can we go to the bed?"

Dustin continues carrying me, out of the closet and into the bedroom. He deposits me on the bed and strips off the rest of our clothing. I find it kind of hot when he's in control. We've been having sex more often since he came back, and I think it's helping our relationship. I smile and kiss Dustin as he crawls on top of me. After our romantic activities, I hug him close to me before he leaves for the Emmys.

"Thank you Dustin, for not making me go with you."

"You're welcome. I wish you'd come, but I don't want you to have a miserable night, so if  you'd be happier at home, that's fine. I have to get ready though. Do you want to hang out with me while I do that?"

"Yes."

I follow Dustin into the closet and sit on the stool next to the mirror while he fixes his hair and gets dressed.

"Red? Or blue? I wore purple last time."

"Mmm, red."

"Dustin, you look so happy."

"Yeah, I am happy for Max. His show is doing really well."

"You're not happy because you get to party all night long without me?"

Dustin looks at me as he puts his shirt on. He hasn't buttoned it yet, and I like that. He walks over and stands near me. His happy demeanor disappears, and he places his hand on his hip as his smile fades.

"Don't do that. Don't start accusing me of enjoying my job more than you. I already asked you to come, and you said you didn't want to, so I'm respecting that. I just need you to respect me enough to know that I'm going to this ceremony because I was invited, and because I'm supporting Max, not because I want to party and forget about you. I'm tired of telling you that all the time."

Dustin finishes putting the rest of his outfit on and walks past me, grabbing the door handle.

"Dustin, wait. Kiss?"

"What? You're going to stay in the closet all night? Come out to the living room."

I kiss Dustin goodbye and sit on the couch in front of the tv with my head in my hands. I feel sad because we were having a good night, and I had to go and ruin it by asking him one of my guilt-riddled questions. Now he's probably going to enjoy the attention of other women just to spite me. I need a friend, someone who understands me, the part of me no one else has in common with me. Robert.

Robert comes over and although the television is on, we spend most of the time chatting about church and the picnic in the park that the church is doing for the university students this weekend. At some point during the night, we end up sitting really close to each other. I don't know what happened, but I kissed him on the cheek. What are you doing, Helena? You love Dustin. Robert looked at me, saying nothing, and I kissed him again, on the lips. He got up off the couch and glared at me.

"What are you doing? I thought we were just friends. Helena, you're married. Marriage is sacred. You know that. I'm going home now."

---

I've just made my way in the front door when Helena's friend Robert runs into me with his hand covering his face. He looks really embarrassed and ashamed about something.

"Dustin, I'm so sorry. I won't be hanging out with Helena anymore. I thought she just wanted to be friends. Please forgive me."

Robert leaves my house and drives away while his words linger in my ears. He's so sorry about something and won't be hanging out with Helena anymore. I can only assume some sort of cheating happened tonight and my blood boils with anger at Helena. I can't see straight as I walk over towards her. Before I can get to her, she runs over to me and stands in front of the picture I took for her while I was in France. I try to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I felt the sincerity of Robert's words.

"Helena. Would you care to tell me why Robert said these words to me? 'Dustin, I'm so sorry. I won't be hanging out with Helena anymore. I thought she just wanted to be friends. Please forgive me.'"

Helena looks down at the floor and brushes some dust off her pants, staying as quiet as a mouse.

"How was the ceremony? Have fun without your ball and chain weighing you down?"

I am not surprised when Helena skirts the question entirely. I suddenly feel like the biggest idiot in the world for thinking things were going better for us.

"I'm not falling for that crap anymore. You aren't going to make me feel guilty tonight. Answer my question. Why did Robert apologize to me? I have no problem with you being friends with him, but casually hanging out with your friend shouldn't lead to your friend looking ashamed, and feeling the need to apologize to your husband."

"I don't know why he would say that. Did you have fun at your party without me?"

"Again with that?! It sounds like you forgot about me, not the other way around. Answer my fucking question, Helena."

"Dustin, you're scaring me. Don't hurt me."

"Don't be ridiculous, I'd never lay a hand on you. Just answer me!"

"No."

"WHY the fuck not?!"

"Because I kissed Robert!! On the lips! Okay?! Are you happy now?!"

I had suspected something of the sort, after what Robert said, but I wanted to hear it from Helena, rather than just assuming. 

"What? No I'm not happy! Why would I be happy?!"

"I answered your question."

"Ugh! Helena, you're so infuriating! What the fuck?! Why are you going around kissing your friends?! You're always making me feel like there's something wrong with me, when you pick on my clothes, you pick on my haircut, you pick on my job, it's like you're not happy with me, for me. You're only happy with me when I do what you want. I can't believe I was that stupid to actually think we were doing better. I took that fucking picture of the Eiffel Tower for YOU, I didn't force you to come to the ceremony with me, and you repay me by kissing some other guy?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

She's staring at me like she doesn't even know that her actions impacted our marriage. I get even more pissed off when she doesn't even look like she's sorry. Am I really that crappy of a person that she has to run around behind my back? I need to lay down. I stomp away to the bedroom and hang my hands over the side of the bed, flicking the comforter in anger. The next thing I know, Helena is there crying and making excuses.

"Dustin, I am so sorry, I don't know what was wrong with me! I was just caught up in the moment! I love you! Please don't hate me!"

I ignore her, unable to believe what she just said to me. She got caught up in the moment? What the fuck, there shouldn't be any moments to be caught up in, she's married to me. There should only be moments with me.

"Dustin? Are you going to talk to me? I said I was sorry."

Helena sits on the bed with me, and I don't like it. I don't even like it that she's in the same room as me right now because I am so mad at her. She reaches for me, and I jump off the bed.

"Don't touch me, Helena! How could you do this to me?! You like hurting me?! Is that it?! Do you actually enjoy hurting me?!!"

"No! Of course not. I don't like hurting you. I don't know, I just- I-"

"JUST WHAT, Helena?!"

"I don't know what I want anymore."

She doesn't know what she wants. Great. I just want a normal wife who doesn't ridicule me at every turn, a wife who doesn't get pissed off at me when I breathe wrong, but no, she doesn't know what she wants. Clearly, she doesn't want me, so I don't even want to continue this conversation. It's pointless.

"Helena, get out of my bedroom."

"It's our bedroom."

"Really?! Really?! You want to share a bed with me?! That's funny, maybe you should tell your LIPS that because they seem to be wandering at the moment!"

I go over to the dresser so I can put on a pair of sweatpants and go to sleep, while Helena makes no movement to get off the bed, MY bed. Suddenly I feel a tugging on my pant leg.

"Dustin, please, I don't want you to be angry at me."

"YEAH?! You should have thought of that before you went around kissing your guy friends."

"What are you going to do?"

"Um, change, and then sleep. Why do you care?"

I don't even care to hear her whimpering response to me. I don't want to accept her apology tonight, and I'm not sure if I can or want to forgive her. Ever.

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Maximus Twenty-Two: Time Apart

"All right, well, I'm ready to go."

"Dustin, I'm going to miss you. You look so good today. How long are you going to be gone? What am I going to do without you?"

Helena puts her hands on my chest and looks down, sad that I'm leaving for a month to film a movie in Paris. I had only been taking jobs in town for many years, but with our constant fighting, when my agent said I had an opportunity to try out for a supporting role in a film that was mostly going to be filmed in France, I jumped at the chance. I'm tired of Helena's manipulative ways, and I've learned to look for an ulterior motive when she is nice to me. I know that sounds terrible, that I can't just see her being nice to me for what it is, but ever since that night where she seduced me to try to get her way, I've been more wary of her.

"I'm going to be gone for a month. You remember the time zone difference, and our phone schedule? I will call you every day so we can talk, okay?"

"Yeah, I put it on the fridge. Dustin, I'm sorry. I guess this no baby thing is driving me more nuts than I expected."

"It's okay. You can call Soleil whenever you need a friend to talk to. I asked Max and her to keep in touch with you too to make sure you're all right while I'm gone."

"You did? Thanks so much, Dustin."

"Well, you're my wife. I love you and I want you to be okay."

"I love you too. Have a good time. Take some pictures of the Eiffel Tower for me?"

"Sure."

I kiss Helena goodbye and get into the limo that's waiting out front.

---

I watch Dustin leave, and I really hope that he has a good trip. I think the time apart will do us some good. I already feel bad for treating him so cruelly that night. When he told me we had to postpone what I wanted, I just saw red, and was so mad at him. I equated it with him not loving me, but the way he was so nice this morning, making sure everything here was going to be good for me while he was gone, especially after how I treated him, made me realize he never stopped loving me.

I'm in a better mood now so I pull out my phone and dial Soleil's number. I hope she's available because I really want a friend to talk to.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Soleil. I was wondering if you were free and wanted to maybe have a girl's day?"

"Yeah, I'm not busy, what did you have in mind?"

"Do you want to hang out here, maybe watch a movie, chit chat?"

"Sure, I'll be over in a bit."

Soleil comes over looking gorgeous as usual. I wonder if she has to do that to keep up appearances so she doesn't get put in a tabloid magazine as looking unkempt.

"Soleil, you're so pretty. I want to look like that."

"Thanks, Helena. Umm... I'm hardly dressed up today though, this is like a really old cotton shirt, and I just rolled up my hair in a hair tie."

"I know, but you still look so cute. Do you have to dress like that?"

"What do you mean have to dress like that?"

"Well I mean like, is Hollywood telling you how to dress?"

"Oh, that. Haha, no. Sometimes when I go to work, I just wear sweats and a sports bra because I will be wearing different clothes once I'm there. I just like looking put together on my days off."

"Can you um, maybe help me with my wardrobe? I know I haven't been the nicest to you whenever you brought up the subject in college, but I wonder, um, is that part of why you're so confident all the time?"

"Probably. I  feel good about myself, and so then I'm happy. I can help you, how do you want to start?"

"Well, I thought maybe looking through my clothes and seeing what I want to keep and what I want to change. I don't really want to throw everything out, that seems a bit extreme."

Soleil smiles at me and we go into my closet, where she starts looking through my clothes. I feel so plain and a bit embarrassed when I see her examining some of the pieces. She doesn't make fun of anything that she looks at, and I'm in awe of how nice she is to me despite everything I've done to her. I suddenly feel very guilty for all of it.

"Am I a hopeless cause, Soleil?"

"No, you need a little help, but it's not hopeless. You have a lot of over sized sweatpants, Helena. That's not good."

"They're so comfortable though."

"So are the sweatpants that are your size. I mean, I told you I wear sweats sometimes, but I never buy mens' sweatpants. I'd suggest throwing those out and getting some girl sweats. They look better and they're still comfortable."

Soleil pulls out one of my suits that I wear to church and I get a little annoyed. I really like those suits and I think they look fine. I hope she doesn't tell me to throw those out.

"What's up with this, Helena? It's like an eighty year old woman's suit."

"What do you mean? Why?"

"Well, the cut of it, it's so blah. The color too, it's like the same fabric as an ugly couch. You say you like that I look cute even when I'm wearing an old cotton shirt, and it's because of the way it's cut. It flares out and gets tighter where it should. It flatters a woman's body rather than hiding it."

"I'm not as pretty as you, Soleil."

Soleil comes over to me and makes me stand in front of my mirror.

"Helena, you need to stop saying that, it'll help with your confidence if you quit telling yourself you're not as good as me. Besides, who says you need to compare yourself to me anyway? You're your own person."

"I look like a shadow when I'm next to you."

"So what do you want to do about it?"

"Help me dress nice for dinner?"

"Are you going somewhere?"

"No, will you and Max come for dinner? I want to look nice for it, like you. I want to go shopping for some new clothes."

"Yeah we can do that."

After we come back from shopping, Soleil helps me make some grilled cheese sandwiches. She gets a phone call in the middle of it, and it turns out it's Max wondering where she was cause she wasn't at home. Max arrives pretty much right on time, as we get done with the sandwiches. He compliments my outfit and thanks me for inviting him for dinner. I observe him looking at Soleil during dinner and wish Dustin and I could be as in love as Max and Soleil are.

"So, sis, how are you holding up with Dustin being gone?"

"I'm all right. I miss him, even though he's only been gone since this morning. We're going to have a phone date everyday and I'm excited to hear his voice."

"That's good. Did you have fun with Soleil?"

"Yeah. She helped me pick out some new clothes because I wanted to dress nicer, like she does."

"That's cool. It looks good. You look good. It's definitely better than those man pants you wear all the time."

"Ha-ha, little brother."

"How was work, babe?"

"Pretty fun. Solving crime with the police department, you know? The usual. I have a script to read for the next episode."

I'm watching Max and Soleil interact, with disbelief that my little brother, the biggest player in high school, has so much love in his eyes towards one woman. I also find it interesting that Soleil doesn't have more questions for Max about his day, does she not have a single jealous bone in her body?

"How do you guys do that?"

"Do what?"

"Make your relationship look so easy? Like, how do you not worry what the other one is doing especially since you both have jobs where you have to sometimes kiss other people? I mean, Soleil's billboard? How does that not make you crazy, Max?"

"Confidence is the main thing. Trust is the other part. You're religious, so I'm going to equate it to faith. I have faith in Soleil, and in our relationship."

"Listening is another thing that's important. When Max tells me something or asks me something, I don't interrupt, and I listen to what he's actually saying rather than just hearing him talk."

"Umm, you guys, I'm sorry for how I acted at the birthday party. I was really mad at Dustin, but I shouldn't have brought our problems to Patrick's party."

Max looks stunned, probably since I apologized, which I don't do very often, but then smiles at me before taking another bite of his sandwich.

"Thanks, Helena. How are you and Dustin, anyway? You still love him, right?"

"Yeah. I just let my anger lead my behavior. You know how I still want a baby, but he wants to postpone it. I talked about it with you at the party."

"Helena, you need to accept him for who he is. He's a great guy, he's hard working, he's kind, he's done so much for you. If you support him, especially at the red carpet events, you'll shine too. Don't worry so much about fading away in the shadows. Who cares if the emcee doesn't talk to you, you are with Dustin, the emcee isn't important, you know? You'll be on Dustin's arm, and when he's in the spotlight, it'll shine on you too. Once you start doing that, he'll stop hesitating to have a baby with you."

After dinner, the three of us go and enjoy the hot tub that's out in the backyard. I remember in the early days of my marriage when Dustin and I would come out here and make out for hours into the night. When I see Max put his arm around Soleil, it reminds me of that even more.

As I watch them together, I wonder why they're not married. They'd make a perfect married couple, and I can't understand why they wouldn't want to take the next step in their relationship. I feel like they're just settling and their relationship is stagnant. It's so weird though because they seem so happy together. I don't understand why they don't want to better themselves.

"Why aren't you guys married? You act like you're so in love, why not just make it official?"

"What are you talking about? It's already official, she's my girlfriend, exclusively, and has been pretty much since forever."

"Well, yeah, so why not get the rings and paper saying that? Don't you want to prove that to the world? I mean what if someone hits on you because they don't see a ring on your finger?"

"Jesus, Helena, way to ruin a good night. You know I was actually having fun hanging out with you tonight? I don't have to prove anything to anyone. Soleil's the only thing that matters in the love department, and if she knows that, what others think don't matter. If someone hits on me, then I just tell them I'm not available, it's not that hard."

After some more chit-chat, Max and Soleil go home together, arms around each other as they walk out the front door. I'm left with my thoughts, which is never a good thing. I look at the clock, and it's almost time for my phone date with Dustin. I'm excited to hear his voice, and wonder why I don't treat him well when he's here, but miss him like crazy when he's gone. Maybe for me, absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

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Vacation

Hello! I hope you all have been enjoying Echoes of Eternity. I will be away from Sept 19-22, and unable to write. I've written two chapters ahead, that I'm going to have Blogger publish for me on Thursday the 19th and Saturday the 21st so you guys have something to read. They will be posting at 8:00am, PDT, which is Los Angeles time.

Maximus Twenty-Two: Time Apart – Thursday, Sept 19 at 8:00 AM Los Angeles time

Maximus Twenty-Three: I’m Sorry – Saturday, Sept 21 at 8:00 AM Los Angeles time

Also, I will reply to comments when I return from vacation. I hope you guys all enjoy. Thanks to anyone who has been reading.

Love ya,
Late Knight

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Maximus Twenty-One: Nostalgic Memories

Soleil's Vogue cover hit the newsstands in early fall. In the short interview with her, they asked her questions about her work and family life. I was on my way to pick up a birthday cake for Patrick, and picked up an issue of Soleil's magazine as well as the cake. Driving back home, I happened to see the billboard with Soleil's perfume ad towering above the city. I was really proud of her and how far she had come. There was something surreal about seeing my girlfriend being larger than life. This must be what Soleil feels when she sees me on a movie screen.

I turned onto my street, and pulled into the driveway. Dustin's car was there, and so was my dad's. My house was kind of crowded from all the people who were there. Patrick was excited that I was back. I set the Vogue magazine on the counter and brought the cake over to Soleil.

She gave me a kiss. taking the cake from me. She got out a lighter to get it ready so Patrick could blow out the candles. We all sang happy birthday to him and gave him presents. As I looked at everyone who was there celebrating, I felt pretty satisfied with my life.

I got a little nostalgic too, remembering how I'd met everyone and the part they played in helping me with things in my life. Dad, who taught me martial arts, helped me move to this town, was there for Soleil through her pregnancy, and always babysat Patrick for us.

Dustin, my best friend, who helped me out in the early days of my acting career, and got me the connections I needed to be as successful as I am today. Helena, my sister, whom I've had the rockiest relationship with, always being on my case about things. In a wierd way, Helena's made me realize how lucky I am to have Soleil because of the way she treats Dustin.

Last but not least, my beautiful girlfriend, Soleil. We've been through a lot, mostly from other people thinking we were bad for each other, but it's helped us build up a lot of trust over the years. Words can't even express how much I love her. My mom was right that one day I would find someone whom I'd never love as much as I love them. I know Soleil is that someone. She comes up to me and smiles, interlocking her fingers with mine, and squeezing my hand.

"What are you thinking about, Max?"

"Everything. How much I love you, and how everyone who's been there for me is now here for Patrick."

"Awww, baby, I love you too."

I feel kind of bad for Dustin since he and Helena seem to be avoiding each other. Earlier it looked like he was annoyed, and has since made his way over to Dad and Patrick, while she's standing by herself at the counter. I hear a loud sigh coming from the kitchen, knowing that it's Helena. I give Soleil a kiss on the cheek and lean against the counter, while Soleil goes over to socialize with everyone else.

"Helena. What's going on, sis?"

"Hey. I'm happy for Patrick."

"Thanks. Did you tell him that?"

"No. He doesn't want to talk to me, but I thought you should know, as his father, that I'm not sulking because I'm unhappy about Patrick."

I'm a little confused why Helena thinks Patrick doesn't want to talk to her, but I'm guessing it's just her being Helena, so I drop the subject.

"All right, well, why are you sulking? Did you fight with Dustin again?"

"Yeah. He started dressing like you, ripped jeans and a really low cut tshirt."

"Uhh, I don't know how to respond to that."

"I just wanted him to start dressing more like a grownup. He's not a little boy anymore. I don't really think ripped jeans is appropriate for someone our age."

"Jeez, Helena, chill out. It's a party for family members, as long as he's not streaking, whatever he wears is fine."

"Max, you were always way more easygoing than me."

"Is him wearing clothes you don't like the real reason you're being anti-social? That seems kind of petty, don't you think?"

I notice her flipping through Soleil's Vogue magazine, and wonder if that has anything to do with it, or maybe if she saw Soleil's billboard.

"No... Dustin and I fight a lot. He's not okay with the having a baby thing anymore because he says we fight too much and we need to straighten ourselves out before bringing a child into our house. I think he's just stalling because he wants to avoid the responsibility."

"Umm, Helena, the first time you asked him he was fine with it, but then you made it clear you aren't happy with him. Maybe you need to show him you support him and love him, then he'll be okay with the baby thing. Do you really want a baby growing up seeing their parents fighting all the time?"

"The baby will make us stop fighting and keep us together. It worked for you and Soleil."

Did she seriously say what I think she said? That's absurd. I rub the bridge of my nose and close my eyes. Helena is such a headache to talk to most of the time. I have to set her straight about this, though. I'm not about to let her keep thinking that I only stayed with Soleil because of Patrick. How could she even think that?

"Helena, we didn't have Patrick to 'keep us together.' We would have stayed together even if he hadn't come along."

"Oh, so Patrick was an accident? You didn't really want him, you just wanted Soleil?"

"Helena, why do you always have to be like this? Why do you always have to cause drama? I love my family, no matter how they came to be with me. I'm grateful for what I have, which is more than I can say for you right now."

Helena looks shocked for a second from my jab and then a smug look comes over her face, making me start to wonder if she actually enjoys making me mad. I decide I need Soleil because I know she'll make me feel better. I don't want to take her away from socializing with everyone though since this is Patrick's party, so I just resign myself to hanging out on the deck. Maybe if I can get some fresh air, and mostly get away from Helena, I can calm down.

It's not long before I hear a door slam and yelling down below. Apparently Helena is still not happy with Dustin for whatever reason. I feel bad for Dustin, but I know you can't help who you love, and there was no way I was going to meddle in other people's love lives. All I can do is just be there for him when he needs me. I notice that Helena didn't talk to Soleil at all the entire party, and I hope that she's got a friend to talk to, just like Dustin has me to talk to.

"DUSTIN?!"

"What do you want me to do, Helena?! Strip these pants off in public?! Will that make me look DECENT enough for you?!"

"Oh, Dustin, don't be so dramatic, just dress like the thirty year old man that you ARE!!"

I hear Dustin and Helena yelling at each other, and I can't figure out why she keeps getting on his case about his jeans. He told me they were a freebie that one of the designer companies gave him after his movie. Dustin gets in the car and slams the door. Helena gets in and Dustin peels the car out of the driveway, probably getting into trouble for "driving like a teenager."

I watch Dustin drive away, and feel someone come up behind me. I have no doubt it's Soleil because her citrus perfume is a dead giveaway. She puts her hand on my abs and leans into my neck.

"Mmm... you smell yummy. Max, are you okay? I noticed you left the party earlier."

"Not really. Lay down with me."

"What? Here on the deck?"

"Yeah."

Soleil takes my hand and we walk over to a bigger part of the deck and lay down. She looks into my eyes, searching for an answer to why I'm not okay, either that or she's just enjoying staring at my face. Either way, I'm just glad she's here with me.

"What's the matter, handsome?"

"Do you think I'm a good father?"

"Yeah, of course! You always jumped at the opportunity to take care of Patrick whenever I was at work, and you're good at not spoiling him, yet being attentive to his needs."

"Helena said I only stayed with you because you got pregnant. Then she said I didn't really want Patrick, either. It made me really angry. I always wanted you, and when Patrick came, I loved him just as much."

"Aww, baby, I know that. Did Helena make you doubt things?"

"No, she made me feel like everything I've done to change how I acted in high school went unnoticed. I just didn't want you to think that I was faking it or something."

"Shh. I notice, and that's what important. I love that you moved here to be close to me, and that you asked me to move in with you. I love that you've been faithful to me all these years, and that you've always stayed with me, even when life threw us curve balls. I know that you love Patrick and I know that you love me. You don't ever have to worry about whether I know that, okay, baby?"

"Okay. Thank you, Soleil, I love you."

"I love you too, Max."

---

"Dammit, Dustin Xavier. Talk to me."

"I don't have anything to say to you, Helena, nothing that doesn't involve for the millionth time that my sense of fashion is fine."

I fumble with the keys on my key chain, trying to find the house key, while Helena keeps yelling at me from behind, making it really difficult for me to put the key in the lock.

When I finally get the door unlocked, I made a beeline for the fridge to get myself a beer. I needed to de-stress, even if it means Helena getting on my case for drinking.

Just as I suspected, Helena's shrill voice rings through my ears as she starts yelling at me again.

"Dustin! You really think you can drink our problems away? You're so irresponsible!"

It's going to be the same argument, she'll tell me that I shouldn't drink because it's an unhealthy way to deal with my problems. I'll tell her that I'm not drinking because I want to avoid our problems, I just want to have an alcoholic beverage. She'll ask why I can't just drink a coffee or a tea, and I'll tell her beer is fun. Then she'll tell me that I am not doing any good by finding fun in the bottom of a beer bottle. I'm not an alcoholic, I usually just have one beer and go to bed. Lately it helps me sleep.

I watch Helena as she screams at me, remembering a time when her intense blue eyes used to look at me with love, rather than the burning irritation she seems to be carrying for me these days. Things haven't been the same since I told her we shouldn't have a baby until her and I can learn to respect and stop trying to change each other. We need to find the love we had for each other before I can even think about raising a child. That's another one of our classic arguments, she disagrees with me because she thinks having a child will fix our problems and the love we had will magically come back. I know life doesn't work that way, and when the parents fight, it affects the child negatively. I really feel like a child should grow up in a house full of love, like Patrick did with Max and Soleil.

"Dustin?! Are you even listening to me? I don't want you to turn into an alcoholic! Just get a coffee."

"No."

I answer her simply because there's no point in going over the same bullshit over again. I walk into the living area and sit on the couch. If I'm going to continue to be yelled at I might as well be comfortable.

"Dustin?! Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you!"

Helena comes over and continues her tirade with my so-called ridiculous behavior. She stands in front of me and glares at me with her hands on her hips.

"Well? What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Um, I'm going to have this beer and I'm going to bed."

"I'm throwing those pants out after you change out of them."

"Why? I like them."

"They make you look like a teenager. You should dress in business clothes."

"I'm not a businessman, I don't need business clothes."

Helena taps her foot and rolls her eyes at me. I continue drinking my beer and lounging. Maybe tonight I should try a different approach. I really hate fighting with my wife, I love her, but she always picks on me. Ever since I told her I am not quitting my job, she's been ridiculing my clothes and behavior.

"Helena, sit with me. I don't want to fight with you."

"You know the key to stopping the fighting. Have a baby with me. It will fix us."

"Do you know how much stress a baby adds to a couple? Do you really think that adding more stress to our marriage is going to help us? I don't."

Helena remains quiet at her end of the couch and I'm almost down to the bottom of my beer bottle. I finish the rest of it and head to the kitchen to rinse it out so it's clean for recycling.

"Dustin, wait."

I turn around and look at Helena blankly.

"Come back and hold me by the fireplace. I don't want to fight with you either."

I set the bottle down by the fireplace and Helena lights the fire. Then she surprises me by sitting on my lap. I look into her eyes and the irritation that was in them earlier has subsided.

"What happened to us, Helena? I miss things the way they were."

"Shh. It's not the time for talking. Let's just be together."

Helena runs her fingers through my hair and I can't remember the last time she's done that. We've been fighting so much that we don't go to bed at the same time anymore, and any time we're awake, she's picking on me, so I haven't felt the urge to hug her. Now that she's actually being nice to me, I put my arms around her and rub her back.

"Helena, you're beautiful when you smile. You should smile more."

Helena lays me down on the rug and starts kissing my neck and face. I envision our honeymoon and how much fun we had in our hotel room. I don't know why she keeps avoiding my mouth, but I don't think too much about it, just enjoying the fact that Helena isn't yelling at me. She strips my shirt off and runs her fingers down my chest. When she starts undoing my pants, I realize I should go get a condom if we're going to continue.

"Helena? I need to go get the stuff."

"What?! No. A baby will fix our problems."

"Helena. Get off me. I will not be coerced into having a child because you were nice to me for five seconds."

When Helena gets up, her eyes have resumed their cold demeanor. My heart hurts a lot when I realize that is exactly what she was doing, trying to get my guard down so I'd give her what she wanted. I feel a little used even though sex between a husband and wife should be a normal activity. I also realize that is why she didn't kiss me on the lips at all, she was just trying to turn me on enough that I couldn't say no. I get a little upset that she thinks I was that stupid. She stands up and smirks at me.

"Well, I think you're the first man in the world who has ever turned down sex. Don't they say men think about sex every few seconds? Hmm, must not be the case for you."

I glare at Helena as she walks away, not understanding why she has to be so cruel to me all the time. Maybe I am too nice. Maybe I need to leave her. She obviously doesn't give a shit about me.

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