Armand Five: Quelling My Fears

Music Track - Play if you want to listen - Late Knight Simmer -

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I keep going to the river to pray / Cause I need something that can wash all the pain / And at most, I'm sleeping all these demons away / But your ghost, the ghost of you, it keeps me awake

My friends had you figured out / Yeah, they saw what's inside of you / You tried hiding another you / But your evil was coming through / These eyes sitting on the wall / They watch every move I make / Bright light living in the shade / Your cold heart makes my spirit shake / I had to go through hell to prove I'm not insane / Had to meet the devil just to know his name / And that's when my love was burning / Yeah, it's still burning

I keep going to the river to pray / Cause I need something that can wash all the pain / And at most, I'm sleeping all these demons away / But your ghost, the ghost of you, it keeps me awake

Each time that I think you go / I turn around and you're creeping in / And I let you under my skin / Cause I love living in the sin / Boy you never told me / True love was going to hurt / True pain I don't deserve / Truth is that I never learn

I keep going to the river to pray / Cause I need something that can wash all the pain / And at most, I'm sleeping all these demons away / But your ghost, the ghost of you, it keeps me awake

Give up the ghost / Give up the ghost / Give up the ghost / Stop the haunting baby / Give up the ghost / Give up the ghost / Give up the ghost / No more haunting baby / I keep going to the river

I keep going to the river to pray / Cause I need something that can wash all the pain / And at most, I'm sleeping all these demons away / But your ghost, the ghost of you, it keeps me awake

Lyrics from Ghost, by Ella Henderson

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My phone alarm went off, playing the song Ghost because I had set my alarm to play one of my Pandora stations. That song really resonated with me and how I felt a lot of the time. I found it ironic that the song had popped up today, the night after I had a heartfelt talk with Dad about trying to move on from the past. I smiled to myself when I thought about how much I really did love music because it soothed me. I had used music as a retreat often times when Mom would argue with me, and I regretted that I hadn't been seeking comfort in it as much as I had used to. The hustle and bustle of college was keeping me much too busy to enjoy the simpler things in life. I was supposed to play my guitar for school. but there in itself lay the problem. The novelty of how I used to feel when playing it was replaced by the chore of needing to do it for school. My realization that music had once given me peace made me promise myself that I would use this Thanksgiving break to truly relax and enjoy the things about myself that I had buried deep within my soul.

I sat on my bed for a little while, watching the California sun shine in through my windows, looking around at my new room and savoring every bit of it, from the gorgeous curtains to the well designed sitting area with my own brand new television. I was touched Dad had gotten it for me because I knew he himself wasn't much of a television watcher. He didn't forbid me from watching it or anything when I was little, but I was always holed up in my room because of Mom, and didn't spend much time in the home theater room of our house. Any time I was dumped off at Carisa's house, Mikayla's father would always play board games with us and feed us snacks. I had been deprived of television a lot as well, it seemed I had been deprived of a lot of things, but my keeping in touch with Dad and talking to him about shows I had recently been watching had clearly paid off. Everything Dad had done to my room while I was away I felt was him trying to apologize for the past. Now that he was with a woman who was letting him be himself, I felt like he was finally able to look outward and realize all the things that he had missed while he was with Mom.

Glancing around the rest of my room, I was reminded of the new art supplies I had also been blessed with, and I decided to try them out. I squirted some colors out on the palette and started painting. I didn't know what I was going to paint yet, but I knew that I wanted to give it to Dad and Ephemera as an engagement present, as well as an apology for being ridiculous last night. As I painted, I thought about the last part of my conversation with Dad, about how Ephemera wanted to get to know me better. I wondered if I would have been as damaged as I am now if I had gotten to know Ephemera when I was a child. She seemed way more nurturing than Mom could ever hope to be. Out of respect for Dad, I knew that when Ephemera and Emmanuel came over, it was for his job, so I didn't intrude when Dad was working. When I was done with my painting, I stepped back to look at it, satisfied with my work, hoping that Dad and Ephemera would enjoy it.

My stomach grumbled, and I realized I had been up here painting and daydreaming for about two hours since I had gotten up. I touched the shiny handles of my new dresser and smiled again as I pulled out a shirt to put on before I went downstairs. I grabbed my paintbrushes and palette, taking them with me so I could wash the paint off of them in the guest bathroom upstairs. When I was done with the cleaning, I left the brushes and palette on the sink so they could dry.

I went downstairs and made myself something to eat, seeing Ephemera out on the back patio at the small dining table reading a book. I did a double take because Mom was always reading, but I shook away the fear as I prepared my breakfast. I decided to act on Dad's advice and talk to Ephemera a little bit while I was at home. The fear she would scream at me for interrupting her reading pushed its way forward to the front of my mind as I got closer to the door, and when my hand touched the door handle, I panicked a lot, trying not to drop my plate. She's not Mom, she's not Mom... I tried to reassure myself of what I was attempting to do at the moment, and finally worked up enough courage to open the damn door.

I walked towards the table and set my plate down, when Ephemera looked up at me with a smile.

"Good morning, Armand. Did you sleep well?"

"Morning, Ephemera, I did. How about you?"

See... Armand? It's easy. I took a seat, feeling a little better than I had earlier, but still paranoid because Ephemera had the book open on the table. I still had the feeling she was going to shoo me away eventually because she hadn't closed the book or bookmarked it, which said to me that she had every intention of reading it and ignoring me.

"Pretty well. Armand, are you okay?"

"Um.. yeah... why?"

"Well, you kind of look a little scared. I don't bite."

Ephemera grinned as she made her joke, obviously trying to make me feel more comfortable around her, which I appreciated. It's now or never, Armand. I figured if she wanted to know me better, she was probably going to have to hear the depressing parts about me, the parts that up until now, only Dad knew. Here goes nothing.

"I was scared you were going to get mad at me for sitting with you while you were reading your book. I don't want to impose on your space."

I cringed, expecting to hear Ephemera tell me how stupid and lame I was for even thinking such a ridiculous thought. What I heard actually pass her lips, however, was not what I expected at all.

"Oh, honey, this is your home. If anything, I am sorry if I am making you feel like I imposed on your space, in your life. It can't have been easy for you to come home for your first visit and see me living here. I'm sorry if it seemed fast, and honestly, when your dad asked me to move in, I was reluctant, not because I didn't want to live with your dad, but because I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. I saw a little bit of how you were treated when you were a child, and I didn't want to add any more bad feelings for you. Eventually, your dad convinced me it was okay because he wanted me here, and he said you would understand. I would never try to make you feel like you have to obey me because I'm your new parental figure or anything like that."

Shock would not even begin to describe my reaction to what she said. I'm pretty sure I looked dazed and confused as I looked back at her, not even sure what the hell to reply with. She was apologizing to me? After I was the one who was ridiculous last night? She wasn't demanding that I say sorry for being an asshole? I was amazed that she had put that much thought into how I was going to feel about her being here. Time seemed to have stopped and I felt like I had been staring at her for a long time, but she just sat there patiently, not questioning why I wasn't answering her, not giving me dirty looks for being quiet, and not ignoring me. Surely with how much time had passed without me saying anything, I should have been yelled at plenty of times by now. Instead, I saw concern in her eyes. Finally, I was able to form words again.

"Ephemera? I am really happy you are here. You've shown me more love in the day and a half that I have been back than Mom showed me the whole time I was growing up. You're not imposing at all, and if you want to step into the role of mother for me, I would welcome you with open arms. I never felt like I had a proper mother."

I was beginning to understand what Dad meant about letting people in. It was hard for me to tell Ephemera about the comparison between her and Mom, but I felt somehow lighter after telling her that. I had a feeling now that she had found Dad, they would be together forever, so I had no problems opening up to her. I suddenly felt confident that she wouldn't abandon me, just like Dad would never abandon me. It was rare that I could feel confidence, but I did sometimes, and I knew I wanted to feel that way more often. Much more often. It was a great feeling.

"Armand, if you would like, I want to get to know you better, and I think this week while you're back, especially since it's Thanksgiving, would be a great time to do it. Thank you so much for being so accepting of me, and quelling my fears about stepping in your life like this."

"I would like that. If you don't mind, I'd also like to try to find some answers about my past. I'm kind of stuck in it, and I feel like you might be able to help shed some light on it for me."

"Oh, I wasn't close to your mother, but I do want to answer some of your questions to the best of my ability. I want to apologize in advance if I can't help you get everything you need."

"It's okay, I don't expect you to know everything, just the fact that you're sitting here talking to me is really nice."

I couldn't remember the last time I had ever talked to Mom like this and had a normal conversation, so I was really happy that I was getting a second chance to have a mom with Ephemera. Maybe finally Mom would stop haunting me and I would be able to put her ghost to rest.

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Armand Four: Explaining Myself

Author's Note: Poolside poses by MrsOogieBoogie, available for download at her legacy, TIDL.

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I stormed out of the dining room, not really having a purpose, other than wanting to get away from everyone. Dad had soft closing patio doors, and that made me even more angry because I couldn't even properly slam the door to show my frustration. I kicked my sneakers off, sending them flying as they hit Mom's old bar counter. In the back of my mind, I felt like I was acting like a child, but it matched the fact that I had felt like a child the whole time I had been home. I continued walking until I got to the hot tub at the far end of the backyard, and then turned left, speed walking to work off the extra energy that had rushed up out of nowhere. I was having a decent conversation with Dad and Ephemera, and I liked her, so why did I react so violently... almost ridiculously, now that I thought about it.

I knew I was tired from traveling, anxious because I was coming back home, and overwhelmed from constantly beating myself up over nothing. Getting slammed by a blanket of love when I arrived was the last thing I expected, and although I felt that it was so touching, no one knew it but me. I sensed Ephemera knew I was appreciative of her regarding the remodel because I'd made it obvious when I hugged her, but she didn't know how glad I was that she was making Dad happy. Ugh, what is wrong with me? I heard Dad calling out to me from the patio doors, but I ignored him, not even sure what I would say to him because what I was thinking didn't even make sense to me. I continued pacing around the pool, noticing that my adrenaline had subsided and I was physically calmer.

"ARMAND DECIMUS Hunt. Don't pretend you can't hear me. I know you're upset, but I will not have you disrespect me by way of ignoring me."

I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard Dad use my middle name, the universal sign that your parent meant business. Even though I was an adult now, Dad's firm tone sent me straight back to that day at Disney Land when he yelled at me for running around the parking lot.

I heard Dad's footsteps behind me, getting closer and closer as I just stood there staring at the tiles that surrounded the pool, embarrassed that I had gotten scolded. I remained silent until Dad stepped in front of me. I looked up at his face, and saw that he had aged considerably since I had last seen him. I guessed that all those years with Mom he spent miserable were now taking a toll on his appearance, and I felt bad that he had to wait so long before he found happiness.

"Armand, what's wrong? I thought you liked Ephemera."

"Dad? Thank you... for always coming to find me. It lets me know that you care. Most of the time I feel like no one cares about me."

I whispered my last sentence, on the verge of tears from seeing Dad's wrinkles and the knowledge that I had somehow disappointed him or made him sad. The thing that made me the most emotional was if I felt like I hurt my dad. It had been that way my whole life. I looked up to him so much because he was the kindest person in my life, and all I wanted was for him to be happy. Suddenly, my sadness overwhelmed me, and I felt like I could no longer stand, crumbling to my knees beside the edge of the pool. One of my feet touched the water, and I pulled myself to a sitting position, feeling somewhat comforted by the sensation of the water on my skin. Dad sat next to me and kept silent, letting me just be, which I appreciated. It was much easier for me to come down from an emotional outburst if I wasn't bombarded with a million more questions while I was in the midst of it. He put his hand behind him, resting on it, and softly looked in my direction, waiting to see if I felt better before he spoke.

"I'm sorry you feel like no one cares, but I do. Ephemera does too. She was so excited that you were coming home for Thanksgiving."

"To answer your earlier question, I do like Ephemera. I was really happy when you and her showed me my new room. I saw you guys holding hands as you left, and set the table together. I am so glad she makes you happy. What's wrong is... that I feel like an outsider in my own home. I never felt comfortable here growing up unless you were home, and Ephemera is so nice to me, but it's like, somehow I feel like I missed out. I'll have a motherly figure who finally treats me right, but I won't get to experience it because I don't live at home anymore. It's like a good opportunity came, the thing I wanted most as a child, and I'll miss it entirely."

I hung my head, feeling like I didn't make any sense, and that I was just a bumbling idiot. An idiot who can't even enjoy a good thing when it slaps him in the face.

"So what you said at the table wasn't really what you felt?"

"No, of course not. I know that Ephemera is not Mom, and I know that you marrying her isn't going to mean bad things for you. Just because I don't believe in marriage doesn't mean that you shouldn't be able to do what makes you happy. I can see that Ephemera loves you."

Dad's eyes fell a little bit when he heard me say I didn't believe in marriage. I hoped he wasn't going to pressure me in that area if I decided not to get married, but then I pushed that stupid thought out of my head, remembering that Dad had never given me any reason to think that he would make me do something that I wasn't happy with.

"I'm really happy that you are being so understanding about this, and that you're genuinely glad  for my well-being. I want to let you know that you're not going to miss out on anything. Just because you've grown up now, it doesn't mean that you can't experience the love of a mother. You don't have to live in the same house to feel love from someone. It's like when you're at college, but you still feel that I love you, right?"

"Well, yeah... I guess I never thought of it that way. Dad, are you sad that I don't believe in marriage... I mean when it comes to myself being married? I am afraid I'll be miserable like you were with Mom."

"No, I'm not sad because you think that way. My father actually doesn't believe in marriage either, but he found my mom, and they're still in love to this day, despite never getting married. It's made me believe that love comes in all shapes and forms, and that there's no one right way to fall in love. What I'm sad about is how my marriage to your mother affected you, and how scared it is making you feel towards that subject. Not all marriages end up like that. You're still really young, though, you don't have to concern yourself with that sort of stuff now."

I was starting to feel a lot better while having this conversation with Dad, and I relaxed some, finally feeling some of the pressures that had threatened to suffocate me throughout the day lifting themselves away. I leaned back and gave Dad a small smile.

"Thanks, Dad, I feel a lot better. I'm really sorry I ruined dinner."

"You didn't ruin anything. Don't worry. I'm glad to have you home for the week."

"Dad? Is Ephemera mad at me for... not taking the news happily?"

"Mad? No. I think she's a bit confused, as was I, but I understand you completely now."

"It feels... a little wierd... um, not eh, being yelled at.."

I saw concern in Dad's eyes because I knew how the words sounded coming out of my mouth, as if I wanted to be yelled at. How was I so screwed up that I actually thought it strange when people were nice to me? It made me sad that I was so used to being a problem that I had started to view myself as one.

"Dad... how did you get over memories of Mom? The bad memories, I mean? I can't... everything I do, she's there, taunting me, telling me I'm not good enough, so it makes me not want to try. The times I do try, I have to push really hard, like more than normal. not to do the thing itself, but to combat the thoughts of what she used to say to me. It's like she's this constant rain cloud over my head, pouring hell on me all the time. The only time I get any peace is when I'm asleep."

"It took me a long time. You remember when you told me on the balcony that day to just go for it with Ephemera? Even after we started dating, I had the same problem you did, and the only time I was at peace was when I was doing magic. It took me about six months with constant support from Ephemera that helped me finally keep those thoughts to a minimum. Sometimes I still have them, but they've dulled significantly. Your friends, and time, will help you get over it. It takes patience, and I'm sorry you're in the middle of all the turmoil right now, but it doesn't last forever. I can see that you're trying, and it's good. People who try to change are the ones who succeed at it. I'm proud of you that you recognize you have a problem because that's the first step."

"Dad? I have another question... I don't know if you know the answer, but um, was I an accident, or something? Is that why Mom hated me so much?"

"I honestly don't know your mom's reasoning for how she acted towards you. You are not an accident, don't think like that. You did come as a surprise to me, though.You know how I had that work related injury? I was in the hospital in a coma. When I woke up, your mom told me she had been pregnant for three months already. The first night we brought you home after you were born, was when I saw a slight oddity in your mom's behavior, she got really upset when you started crying. I just chalked it up to her being tired after having you."

"Do you think Ephemera would know anything more about Mom that we didn't know?"

"Well, I'm not sure, Ephemera and I have spent most of our time being in a working relationship. Sometimes we share memories about Mom, but we both try not to dwell on that too much, for my sake, so I don't go slipping back into those self-loathing thoughts. You can ask her if you want though. I think she's going grocery shopping tomorrow for Thanksgiving dinner, you can either go with her, or cook with her, or both. I'm sure she wouldn't mind. She'd love to spend some more time with you."

After my long talk with Dad, we both continued to sit by the pool with our legs in the water till our skin got pruny, looking up at the stars and enjoying our time spent together.

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Armand Three: Uncomfortable Surprises

The end of the semester was just around the corner, with Remy and I becoming fast friends ever since the day his Frisbee had accidentally almost hit me. It was Thanksgiving break, and we were getting ready to part ways before we had to come back to take our final exams. Even though I had driven my car out to Louisiana, I decided to leave it in the dorm parking lot and take a flight back to California. I figured I would drive it home when the semester actually ended, thinking that it didn't make much sense for me to put all those extra miles on it if I was only going to be able to stay at home for one week before I had to drive back. I put my suitcase in the back of Remy's SUV, and climbed in the passenger seat.

Although it was only Thanksgiving break, Remy and I had been talking about living arrangements for the upcoming year, deciding that we wanted to live together in a two bedroom space. We hadn't decided whether we wanted an apartment or a house, but there was still lots of time for us to figure it out. There were plenty of places to live that were in town and off campus, yet still close enough to campus that it wouldn't take very long at all to get to class, which would give us the best of both worlds. We could still go to class as needed, but then not have to deal with the majority of the college students on campus if we didn't want to. Remy had been wanting to change his living situation because he had a crazy roommate who was tormenting him. His roommate had an OCD personality, and he was constantly paranoid about wanting to keep everything separate, making sure that all of Remy's stuff stayed on his half of the room. They didn't even share a refrigerator or a television, and Remy wasn't sure if he was an extreme germophobe in addition to his OCD, or if he just hated Remy for reasons unbeknownst to him.

Remy had volunteered to drive me to the airport before he went home to New Orleans. We stopped at a gas station before getting on the highway, to pick up some snacks and drinks to munch on in the car. We didn't stop to get a full meal because I was already going to be fed a meal on my flight, and New Orleans wasn't too far of a drive from the airport, so Remy figured he could save some money and just grab a meal once he arrived home.

"So, Armand, are you excited to go back home and see California again? I've never been there before, but it sounds like it would be relaxing."

"Actually, yeah, I'm looking forward to the California weather. I miss the beach and the breeze that comes off the water. My dad's house is right on the beach."

"Wow, that sounds amazing."

"It really is. Are you excited for home too?"

"Yeah, It is a really cool feeling to know I helped build the house I'm going to be sitting in, you know?"

"It does sound cool, I really enjoy the idea of creating something, whether it be a house, a music piece, or artwork."

"Do you have a lot of family members that come over during the holidays?"

"Not really, I have a small family, my dad, his girlfriend, and my grandparents. I don't have any siblings."

"No mom?"

"Nope."

I growled under my breath as I answered Remy's question, once again thinking about Mom and how sometimes I wished I could see her again, just to ask her why. Why did she treat me like I was nothing, why did she put me down constantly, and why did it feel like she hated me? Sometimes I wondered if Dad even knew the answers or if he was just as much in the dark as I was about Mom. I couldn't decide if the reason I kept thinking about her was if I missed her or if I just wanted my questions answered so I could have some closure and get on with my life.

"Me neither."

"Oh? I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I lost her in the hurricane. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time, unfortunately. I miss her. I guess the other reason I got into construction was to keep myself busy so I didn't spiral into bad habits or depression. It was like my way of grieving too, a way to remember my mom. I wanted to build sturdy houses and places so that no one else would have to die crushed under a building like she did."

As I listened to Remy's explanation of his feelings and choices, I hoped one day I could be open with my feelings as well. I admired Remy's boldness to tell me things about himself, no matter how vulnerable it made him sound. I knew I was closed off because I had a fear of rejection and it was hard for me to open up to people because I thought one day I would say the wrong thing and they would hate me for it. Even now, after being friends with Remy for a solid four months, I still gave him vague answers.

"That's so sad, Remy, how she died. I'm really glad you figured out a way to move past it all and make it into a positive memory. My mom was also in the wrong place at the wrong time. I guess we have that in common too, huh?"

"I'm sorry about yours, too."

"Yeah, well, she most likely deserved it, so whatever."

"Ouch. I hit a nerve, my apologies."

"It's fine, she's just a touchy subject. I'm not mad at you, Remy. Don't worry about it."

One thing I did like about Remy was that he wasn't pushy. I knew I could be an explosive, tense person sometimes with my reactions, but he was always willing to just drop the subject and not try to get under my skin, which is exactly what I needed in a friend. Remy made me feel less broken, and I knew that's why I enjoyed his company so much.

Remy pulled up to the airport and parked the car, getting out to help me with my suitcase. Secretly, I was enthralled that we had arrived at the airport already because talking about our mothers was making me angry and I was irritated at myself that I had let the situation get tense in the car. Remy surprised me when he pulled me into a hug, and I felt slightly better that I hadn't pushed away my only friend. I was not used to people hugging me except for my dad because as far as I was concerned, I wasn't worth hugging. I had always convinced myself that my dad was the only one who truly loved me unconditionally. I double checked with Remy about when he was going to pick me up, and he said he had my itinerary in his suitcase so he would remember, and then we parted ways.

I slept most of the flight, except for when it was meal time, and before I knew it, I was back in California. As I walked into the arrival area, I searched for Dad, finally seeing him, and being surprised that Ephemera had come with him. I don't know why I was nervous that she was there, but I was, so I waved, and then tentatively went over to them. They were both grinning and obviously excited to see me. I flashed them a smile that didn't reach my eyes, not because I wasn't happy to see them, but because of my mixed feelings I had been having all day.

"Welcome home, Armand! We missed you!"

Both Dad and Ephemera hugged me, and then followed me to get my suitcase off the baggage claim. Ephemera had given me my second unexpected hug today, and my mind was reeling. I was quiet as we got in the car and drove home to the house that held lots of unpleasant memories for me. I looked out the window at the palm trees and gorgeous blue sky, still not sure how to feel since part of me was glad to be in familiar territory again, but the other part of me felt foreign and distant. It was a strange feeling, but maybe that's just what happens when you move away from home and go back to visit. It wasn't that I actually hated my hometown, I had just gotten so used to associating this place with disappointment that I didn't know how to associate it with happiness.

Today had been a whole slew of happy, and I was confused. My confusion was replaced with anger when we drove by the bakery that Mom had gotten the cake from, the cake that killed her. I no longer had a craving for red velvet cake. My mom took that away from me when she died picking it up for me. Red velvet cake equated to death in my eyes, the red dye in its crumbles symbolizing the color of thick red blood. Stupid fucking cake, I thought bitterly to myself. I closed my eyes for the rest of the drive home, trying to shut out the irritating thoughts of my miserable past.

I only opened my eyes when my body subconsciously knew the car had stopped moving. I groggily unbuckled my seatbelt when the door was opened by Dad.

"Hi sleepyhead. We are here, and I have a surprise for you."

I followed Dad and Ephemera upstairs, and they stopped outside my bedroom door. I wondered what was going on when Dad opened it with a proud grin on his face. I looked inside and was in awe of how it now was a much more grownup room than I had remembered it to be. Gone were the fighter jet wallpaper, the sailboat bed with a mast for a headboard, and the child appropriate pictures, replaced by sophisticated colored walls, a gorgeous full sized bed, brand new dresser, an easel, fresh paints and paintbrushes, complete with a cozy sitting area and television in a small nook. The only thing that remained was the small magician's hat chair, which I liked. I was speechless. Even as a teenager, my room had never been redecorated. My parents were always fighting, and they were too wrapped up in their own problems to work together to do anything for me.

"When... how... wow, thank you so much, Dad."

"You're welcome, but this wasn't all my doing. Ephemera helped too. After you left for college, I asked her to move in, and she stumbled upon your room. She was surprised that it still looked like a five year old lived here. She scolded me actually, for leaving it like that for so long. I'm so sorry, Armand, that things like your room went neglected while you were growing up."

"Did you know I always wanted a room that wasn't so child-like?"

"I think deep down I did, but I was always so depressed and worn out from dealing with your mother that I never found the energy to remodel.  I thought I had been doing the best I could with you as a child, but it turns out I was only doing half of the work needed. I'm sorry I never even got you a bed that was more grownup, even when you were a teenager. Is that why you never brought any friends over? Were you embarrassed about your room?"

My eyes welled up a little bit with fresh tears hearing Dad apologize to me for some of the things that hurt me as a child. I even felt a tear slide gently down my right cheek. So this is what it feels like to be apologized to.

"Yeah, my room did embarrass me, but that's not why I never brought people over. I just didn't have any friends."

"Oh, Armand."

A small gasp came from Ephemera and she had a sad expression on her face, one that looked like she was heartbroken from what I had just said. I wondered if she knew how much turmoil had actually taken place in her own sister's marriage. I had seen Ephemera around the house when I was little, so I was familiar with her, but despite her actually being my aunt, she was always Dad's work friend, just like Emmanuel. Seeing my dad's girlfriend care so much over a little statement I had made, when my own mother never even bothered to shed a tear for me over the big stuff, touched my heart a lot. I thought back to the day when I convinced Dad that it was okay to pursue Ephemera if that was what he wanted, and I was glad to see it had paid off. Throughout the whole day, Dad was back to the fun, energetic person I remembered him to be before all the crap with Mom started. I was excited that he was finally happy. I hugged Ephemera, whispering thank you into her ear as I did. She naturally put her arm around me, patting my back comfortingly as she said that she was sorry for what I had been through. What made me cry even more was that I couldn't remember the last time my mom had apologized to me.

After Ephemera and I were done hugging, both her and Dad stood there for a little while, probably to make sure I was okay. To tell the truth, I was still in a bit of shock from the day's events and just wanted to relax.

"All right, we'll let you unpack and get settled in. We'll go easy tonight, and just order some takeout for dinner, does that sound okay?"

I nodded my agreement and Dad and Ephemera headed out of my room. As I was just about to open my suitcase, I caught a glimpse of them through the window on my door. They were holding hands, something I'd rarely seen, if ever, Dad do with Mom. It was a tiny thing, but I'm sure it meant the world to my dad, as well as me. I had no idea being home was going to bring up such powerful emotions in me that didn't revolve around hate. I had been dreading coming back to the house, but things were looking up, it seemed.

I unpacked my suitcase, putting my clothes in my brand new dresser, touching the fancy handles as I did. For the first time that day, I smiled. Even if it was to myself, I felt good about it. I was touched that Ephemera and Dad had taken the time to remodel my room, but what made me feel even better was the expression of genuine concern on Ephemera's face when I had said I didn't have any friends. It was something I had seen in my Dad's face sometimes, but never from my mother. With my mother, there were nothing but scowls and mean glares. It was comforting and soothing to get a concerned look from someone that I might look to as a mother figure.

Still, I wasn't completely trusting of Ephemera. She seemed a little too happy to see me, as if she was buttering me up for something. I mean, I wasn't her son, she didn't need to treat me like one... yeah, I was technically her nephew, but we had never really acted like family before, although she was always kind in passing when I was a child. I knew she was good for my dad, that much was obvious, but I remembered how my mom came upstairs to my room that one day and used Mikayla, the little girl my age next door to manipulate me into going to Carisa's house. I thought briefly about Mikayla again, and wondered if we had been friends or not. Clearly, I didn't think we had been that close, considering I had just told Ephemera I had no friends growing up. Sighing, I felt scared that Ephemera might be manipulative like Mom had been. I had no basis for my fear, but sadly, I still couldn't believe anyone else but my dad loved me. I sighed loudly, annoyed at myself that I had turned a great moment into a sour one. Why do I have to think so much? Sometimes I wished I could turn off my own thoughts and just let myself stay in the moment, live life to the fullest. I headed downstairs for dinner, hoping that would make me feel better.

Yet more surprises awaited me as I entered the combination dining room kitchen area. The breakfast bar that I had often sat at watching my dad cook was no longer the only place where we could eat indoors. A fancy dining room table had been placed in the empty space by the windows. Ephemera was putting some food on the table, while Dad was getting silverware and drinks. Never had I seen my mom and dad do any sort of stuff like that. I don't think we even really had a family dinner. We just sat at the breakfast bar, all in a row, and Dad would talk to me, while Mom just scowled off into the distance. Then she would leave and go hang out by the pool next to the alcohol. I found it stupid that tiny things were causing me so much awe, and I felt like a child. I almost felt like an outsider, intruding on my dad's new-found happiness. Dad caught my eye, and waved me over to the table.

"Come on in, Armand! Dinner's ready. We ordered from your favorite restaurant."

I came inside the kitchen and sat down at the table, while Dad and Ephemera did the same. Ephemera flashed me a smile and I smiled politely back at her.

"This is new... I don't think we've ever had family dinner before, have we?"

Dad looked at me with a smirk and nodded his head, knowing exactly what I was referring to.

"No, we hadn't. Let's talk about happier times, though, eh Armand? Like I'm really happy to see you again. How has college been treating you?"

I was happy to see when Ephemera turned towards me and dad, showing genuine interest in our conversation. I felt bad for my earlier thoughts that Ephemera might be trying to manipulate me to get into my good graces.

"I got on the Dean's List, and I have a feeling I'm going to nail my finals."

"Oh, that's so great, Armand! It's good to hear you're doing so well."

"Thank you."

I shifted in my chair as I ate my food, still feeling wierd that I was actually having a family dinner and there was no yelling happening.

"Armand, are you all right?"

I didn't know how to respond to Ephemera's question because I didn't want her to feel like the changes she had made to the house were bad, although they were making me feel... different. Luckily, Dad stepped in and saved me, like he always did.

"We'd never really had dinner as a family before, Ephemera, so Armand's experiencing this as a really brand new thing, and with all new things, it's a bit strange."

"Gosh, I had no idea. I'm sorry. Katya sure did a number on you guys, didn't she?"

Both Dad and I smiled at Ephemera, however, neither one of us wanted to talk about Mom, so I took the liberty of changing the subject.

"How about you, Dad, how are you doing?"

"Pretty good. Magic's going well, and Ephemera has been keeping me happy and in check, both at work and here at home. Do you have any romance in your life?"

"No, I don't. I did make a new friend this semester though. His name is Remy Devereaux and I think we're going to live together next semester. He's really nice, and originally from Louisiana, so I have someone who can show me around."

"I'm glad you have a friend, Armand."

"Thanks, Dad."

Just then, Dad got a look on his face that was more than just a simple smile, and I noticed Ephemera start to look a little nervous as she glanced at him. I wondered what was going on between them, and then the thought that Ephemera was manipulating me surfaced yet again.

"Shall we tell him the news?"

"What news?"

"Armand, you know Ephemera and I have been dating since you were about fifteen. I asked her to marry me the other day, and she said yes. She's not wearing her ring because I wanted to tell you before you found out yourself by looking at her hand."

For the second time that day I was speechless, but this time it wasn't in a good way. It wasn't that I didn't like Ephemera, because I did, but all the changes were just too much all at once, and I just exploded.

"You're getting married again, Dad?! Do you not remember how well it turned out last time? I was fine with you dating her, but tying yourself to her? No offense Ephemera, but is this why you were being nice to me? So that I would just accept this and be okay with it?"

"No, Armand- I, of course not."

"Whatever."

I stormed out of the kitchen, out the same sliding door that I had seen my mother go out of so many times before when she walked away from dinner time, wondering when I had become so much like her, and hating every second of it.

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