Armand Four: Explaining Myself

Author's Note: Poolside poses by MrsOogieBoogie, available for download at her legacy, TIDL.

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I stormed out of the dining room, not really having a purpose, other than wanting to get away from everyone. Dad had soft closing patio doors, and that made me even more angry because I couldn't even properly slam the door to show my frustration. I kicked my sneakers off, sending them flying as they hit Mom's old bar counter. In the back of my mind, I felt like I was acting like a child, but it matched the fact that I had felt like a child the whole time I had been home. I continued walking until I got to the hot tub at the far end of the backyard, and then turned left, speed walking to work off the extra energy that had rushed up out of nowhere. I was having a decent conversation with Dad and Ephemera, and I liked her, so why did I react so violently... almost ridiculously, now that I thought about it.

I knew I was tired from traveling, anxious because I was coming back home, and overwhelmed from constantly beating myself up over nothing. Getting slammed by a blanket of love when I arrived was the last thing I expected, and although I felt that it was so touching, no one knew it but me. I sensed Ephemera knew I was appreciative of her regarding the remodel because I'd made it obvious when I hugged her, but she didn't know how glad I was that she was making Dad happy. Ugh, what is wrong with me? I heard Dad calling out to me from the patio doors, but I ignored him, not even sure what I would say to him because what I was thinking didn't even make sense to me. I continued pacing around the pool, noticing that my adrenaline had subsided and I was physically calmer.

"ARMAND DECIMUS Hunt. Don't pretend you can't hear me. I know you're upset, but I will not have you disrespect me by way of ignoring me."

I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard Dad use my middle name, the universal sign that your parent meant business. Even though I was an adult now, Dad's firm tone sent me straight back to that day at Disney Land when he yelled at me for running around the parking lot.

I heard Dad's footsteps behind me, getting closer and closer as I just stood there staring at the tiles that surrounded the pool, embarrassed that I had gotten scolded. I remained silent until Dad stepped in front of me. I looked up at his face, and saw that he had aged considerably since I had last seen him. I guessed that all those years with Mom he spent miserable were now taking a toll on his appearance, and I felt bad that he had to wait so long before he found happiness.

"Armand, what's wrong? I thought you liked Ephemera."

"Dad? Thank you... for always coming to find me. It lets me know that you care. Most of the time I feel like no one cares about me."

I whispered my last sentence, on the verge of tears from seeing Dad's wrinkles and the knowledge that I had somehow disappointed him or made him sad. The thing that made me the most emotional was if I felt like I hurt my dad. It had been that way my whole life. I looked up to him so much because he was the kindest person in my life, and all I wanted was for him to be happy. Suddenly, my sadness overwhelmed me, and I felt like I could no longer stand, crumbling to my knees beside the edge of the pool. One of my feet touched the water, and I pulled myself to a sitting position, feeling somewhat comforted by the sensation of the water on my skin. Dad sat next to me and kept silent, letting me just be, which I appreciated. It was much easier for me to come down from an emotional outburst if I wasn't bombarded with a million more questions while I was in the midst of it. He put his hand behind him, resting on it, and softly looked in my direction, waiting to see if I felt better before he spoke.

"I'm sorry you feel like no one cares, but I do. Ephemera does too. She was so excited that you were coming home for Thanksgiving."

"To answer your earlier question, I do like Ephemera. I was really happy when you and her showed me my new room. I saw you guys holding hands as you left, and set the table together. I am so glad she makes you happy. What's wrong is... that I feel like an outsider in my own home. I never felt comfortable here growing up unless you were home, and Ephemera is so nice to me, but it's like, somehow I feel like I missed out. I'll have a motherly figure who finally treats me right, but I won't get to experience it because I don't live at home anymore. It's like a good opportunity came, the thing I wanted most as a child, and I'll miss it entirely."

I hung my head, feeling like I didn't make any sense, and that I was just a bumbling idiot. An idiot who can't even enjoy a good thing when it slaps him in the face.

"So what you said at the table wasn't really what you felt?"

"No, of course not. I know that Ephemera is not Mom, and I know that you marrying her isn't going to mean bad things for you. Just because I don't believe in marriage doesn't mean that you shouldn't be able to do what makes you happy. I can see that Ephemera loves you."

Dad's eyes fell a little bit when he heard me say I didn't believe in marriage. I hoped he wasn't going to pressure me in that area if I decided not to get married, but then I pushed that stupid thought out of my head, remembering that Dad had never given me any reason to think that he would make me do something that I wasn't happy with.

"I'm really happy that you are being so understanding about this, and that you're genuinely glad  for my well-being. I want to let you know that you're not going to miss out on anything. Just because you've grown up now, it doesn't mean that you can't experience the love of a mother. You don't have to live in the same house to feel love from someone. It's like when you're at college, but you still feel that I love you, right?"

"Well, yeah... I guess I never thought of it that way. Dad, are you sad that I don't believe in marriage... I mean when it comes to myself being married? I am afraid I'll be miserable like you were with Mom."

"No, I'm not sad because you think that way. My father actually doesn't believe in marriage either, but he found my mom, and they're still in love to this day, despite never getting married. It's made me believe that love comes in all shapes and forms, and that there's no one right way to fall in love. What I'm sad about is how my marriage to your mother affected you, and how scared it is making you feel towards that subject. Not all marriages end up like that. You're still really young, though, you don't have to concern yourself with that sort of stuff now."

I was starting to feel a lot better while having this conversation with Dad, and I relaxed some, finally feeling some of the pressures that had threatened to suffocate me throughout the day lifting themselves away. I leaned back and gave Dad a small smile.

"Thanks, Dad, I feel a lot better. I'm really sorry I ruined dinner."

"You didn't ruin anything. Don't worry. I'm glad to have you home for the week."

"Dad? Is Ephemera mad at me for... not taking the news happily?"

"Mad? No. I think she's a bit confused, as was I, but I understand you completely now."

"It feels... a little wierd... um, not eh, being yelled at.."

I saw concern in Dad's eyes because I knew how the words sounded coming out of my mouth, as if I wanted to be yelled at. How was I so screwed up that I actually thought it strange when people were nice to me? It made me sad that I was so used to being a problem that I had started to view myself as one.

"Dad... how did you get over memories of Mom? The bad memories, I mean? I can't... everything I do, she's there, taunting me, telling me I'm not good enough, so it makes me not want to try. The times I do try, I have to push really hard, like more than normal. not to do the thing itself, but to combat the thoughts of what she used to say to me. It's like she's this constant rain cloud over my head, pouring hell on me all the time. The only time I get any peace is when I'm asleep."

"It took me a long time. You remember when you told me on the balcony that day to just go for it with Ephemera? Even after we started dating, I had the same problem you did, and the only time I was at peace was when I was doing magic. It took me about six months with constant support from Ephemera that helped me finally keep those thoughts to a minimum. Sometimes I still have them, but they've dulled significantly. Your friends, and time, will help you get over it. It takes patience, and I'm sorry you're in the middle of all the turmoil right now, but it doesn't last forever. I can see that you're trying, and it's good. People who try to change are the ones who succeed at it. I'm proud of you that you recognize you have a problem because that's the first step."

"Dad? I have another question... I don't know if you know the answer, but um, was I an accident, or something? Is that why Mom hated me so much?"

"I honestly don't know your mom's reasoning for how she acted towards you. You are not an accident, don't think like that. You did come as a surprise to me, though.You know how I had that work related injury? I was in the hospital in a coma. When I woke up, your mom told me she had been pregnant for three months already. The first night we brought you home after you were born, was when I saw a slight oddity in your mom's behavior, she got really upset when you started crying. I just chalked it up to her being tired after having you."

"Do you think Ephemera would know anything more about Mom that we didn't know?"

"Well, I'm not sure, Ephemera and I have spent most of our time being in a working relationship. Sometimes we share memories about Mom, but we both try not to dwell on that too much, for my sake, so I don't go slipping back into those self-loathing thoughts. You can ask her if you want though. I think she's going grocery shopping tomorrow for Thanksgiving dinner, you can either go with her, or cook with her, or both. I'm sure she wouldn't mind. She'd love to spend some more time with you."

After my long talk with Dad, we both continued to sit by the pool with our legs in the water till our skin got pruny, looking up at the stars and enjoying our time spent together.