Armand Five: Quelling My Fears

Music Track - Play if you want to listen - Late Knight Simmer -

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I keep going to the river to pray / Cause I need something that can wash all the pain / And at most, I'm sleeping all these demons away / But your ghost, the ghost of you, it keeps me awake

My friends had you figured out / Yeah, they saw what's inside of you / You tried hiding another you / But your evil was coming through / These eyes sitting on the wall / They watch every move I make / Bright light living in the shade / Your cold heart makes my spirit shake / I had to go through hell to prove I'm not insane / Had to meet the devil just to know his name / And that's when my love was burning / Yeah, it's still burning

I keep going to the river to pray / Cause I need something that can wash all the pain / And at most, I'm sleeping all these demons away / But your ghost, the ghost of you, it keeps me awake

Each time that I think you go / I turn around and you're creeping in / And I let you under my skin / Cause I love living in the sin / Boy you never told me / True love was going to hurt / True pain I don't deserve / Truth is that I never learn

I keep going to the river to pray / Cause I need something that can wash all the pain / And at most, I'm sleeping all these demons away / But your ghost, the ghost of you, it keeps me awake

Give up the ghost / Give up the ghost / Give up the ghost / Stop the haunting baby / Give up the ghost / Give up the ghost / Give up the ghost / No more haunting baby / I keep going to the river

I keep going to the river to pray / Cause I need something that can wash all the pain / And at most, I'm sleeping all these demons away / But your ghost, the ghost of you, it keeps me awake

Lyrics from Ghost, by Ella Henderson

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My phone alarm went off, playing the song Ghost because I had set my alarm to play one of my Pandora stations. That song really resonated with me and how I felt a lot of the time. I found it ironic that the song had popped up today, the night after I had a heartfelt talk with Dad about trying to move on from the past. I smiled to myself when I thought about how much I really did love music because it soothed me. I had used music as a retreat often times when Mom would argue with me, and I regretted that I hadn't been seeking comfort in it as much as I had used to. The hustle and bustle of college was keeping me much too busy to enjoy the simpler things in life. I was supposed to play my guitar for school. but there in itself lay the problem. The novelty of how I used to feel when playing it was replaced by the chore of needing to do it for school. My realization that music had once given me peace made me promise myself that I would use this Thanksgiving break to truly relax and enjoy the things about myself that I had buried deep within my soul.

I sat on my bed for a little while, watching the California sun shine in through my windows, looking around at my new room and savoring every bit of it, from the gorgeous curtains to the well designed sitting area with my own brand new television. I was touched Dad had gotten it for me because I knew he himself wasn't much of a television watcher. He didn't forbid me from watching it or anything when I was little, but I was always holed up in my room because of Mom, and didn't spend much time in the home theater room of our house. Any time I was dumped off at Carisa's house, Mikayla's father would always play board games with us and feed us snacks. I had been deprived of television a lot as well, it seemed I had been deprived of a lot of things, but my keeping in touch with Dad and talking to him about shows I had recently been watching had clearly paid off. Everything Dad had done to my room while I was away I felt was him trying to apologize for the past. Now that he was with a woman who was letting him be himself, I felt like he was finally able to look outward and realize all the things that he had missed while he was with Mom.

Glancing around the rest of my room, I was reminded of the new art supplies I had also been blessed with, and I decided to try them out. I squirted some colors out on the palette and started painting. I didn't know what I was going to paint yet, but I knew that I wanted to give it to Dad and Ephemera as an engagement present, as well as an apology for being ridiculous last night. As I painted, I thought about the last part of my conversation with Dad, about how Ephemera wanted to get to know me better. I wondered if I would have been as damaged as I am now if I had gotten to know Ephemera when I was a child. She seemed way more nurturing than Mom could ever hope to be. Out of respect for Dad, I knew that when Ephemera and Emmanuel came over, it was for his job, so I didn't intrude when Dad was working. When I was done with my painting, I stepped back to look at it, satisfied with my work, hoping that Dad and Ephemera would enjoy it.

My stomach grumbled, and I realized I had been up here painting and daydreaming for about two hours since I had gotten up. I touched the shiny handles of my new dresser and smiled again as I pulled out a shirt to put on before I went downstairs. I grabbed my paintbrushes and palette, taking them with me so I could wash the paint off of them in the guest bathroom upstairs. When I was done with the cleaning, I left the brushes and palette on the sink so they could dry.

I went downstairs and made myself something to eat, seeing Ephemera out on the back patio at the small dining table reading a book. I did a double take because Mom was always reading, but I shook away the fear as I prepared my breakfast. I decided to act on Dad's advice and talk to Ephemera a little bit while I was at home. The fear she would scream at me for interrupting her reading pushed its way forward to the front of my mind as I got closer to the door, and when my hand touched the door handle, I panicked a lot, trying not to drop my plate. She's not Mom, she's not Mom... I tried to reassure myself of what I was attempting to do at the moment, and finally worked up enough courage to open the damn door.

I walked towards the table and set my plate down, when Ephemera looked up at me with a smile.

"Good morning, Armand. Did you sleep well?"

"Morning, Ephemera, I did. How about you?"

See... Armand? It's easy. I took a seat, feeling a little better than I had earlier, but still paranoid because Ephemera had the book open on the table. I still had the feeling she was going to shoo me away eventually because she hadn't closed the book or bookmarked it, which said to me that she had every intention of reading it and ignoring me.

"Pretty well. Armand, are you okay?"

"Um.. yeah... why?"

"Well, you kind of look a little scared. I don't bite."

Ephemera grinned as she made her joke, obviously trying to make me feel more comfortable around her, which I appreciated. It's now or never, Armand. I figured if she wanted to know me better, she was probably going to have to hear the depressing parts about me, the parts that up until now, only Dad knew. Here goes nothing.

"I was scared you were going to get mad at me for sitting with you while you were reading your book. I don't want to impose on your space."

I cringed, expecting to hear Ephemera tell me how stupid and lame I was for even thinking such a ridiculous thought. What I heard actually pass her lips, however, was not what I expected at all.

"Oh, honey, this is your home. If anything, I am sorry if I am making you feel like I imposed on your space, in your life. It can't have been easy for you to come home for your first visit and see me living here. I'm sorry if it seemed fast, and honestly, when your dad asked me to move in, I was reluctant, not because I didn't want to live with your dad, but because I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. I saw a little bit of how you were treated when you were a child, and I didn't want to add any more bad feelings for you. Eventually, your dad convinced me it was okay because he wanted me here, and he said you would understand. I would never try to make you feel like you have to obey me because I'm your new parental figure or anything like that."

Shock would not even begin to describe my reaction to what she said. I'm pretty sure I looked dazed and confused as I looked back at her, not even sure what the hell to reply with. She was apologizing to me? After I was the one who was ridiculous last night? She wasn't demanding that I say sorry for being an asshole? I was amazed that she had put that much thought into how I was going to feel about her being here. Time seemed to have stopped and I felt like I had been staring at her for a long time, but she just sat there patiently, not questioning why I wasn't answering her, not giving me dirty looks for being quiet, and not ignoring me. Surely with how much time had passed without me saying anything, I should have been yelled at plenty of times by now. Instead, I saw concern in her eyes. Finally, I was able to form words again.

"Ephemera? I am really happy you are here. You've shown me more love in the day and a half that I have been back than Mom showed me the whole time I was growing up. You're not imposing at all, and if you want to step into the role of mother for me, I would welcome you with open arms. I never felt like I had a proper mother."

I was beginning to understand what Dad meant about letting people in. It was hard for me to tell Ephemera about the comparison between her and Mom, but I felt somehow lighter after telling her that. I had a feeling now that she had found Dad, they would be together forever, so I had no problems opening up to her. I suddenly felt confident that she wouldn't abandon me, just like Dad would never abandon me. It was rare that I could feel confidence, but I did sometimes, and I knew I wanted to feel that way more often. Much more often. It was a great feeling.

"Armand, if you would like, I want to get to know you better, and I think this week while you're back, especially since it's Thanksgiving, would be a great time to do it. Thank you so much for being so accepting of me, and quelling my fears about stepping in your life like this."

"I would like that. If you don't mind, I'd also like to try to find some answers about my past. I'm kind of stuck in it, and I feel like you might be able to help shed some light on it for me."

"Oh, I wasn't close to your mother, but I do want to answer some of your questions to the best of my ability. I want to apologize in advance if I can't help you get everything you need."

"It's okay, I don't expect you to know everything, just the fact that you're sitting here talking to me is really nice."

I couldn't remember the last time I had ever talked to Mom like this and had a normal conversation, so I was really happy that I was getting a second chance to have a mom with Ephemera. Maybe finally Mom would stop haunting me and I would be able to put her ghost to rest.