Patrick Twenty-Two: I Won't Bother You Anymore

After about another year of fighting with Katya, we decided to go see her therapist together for marriage counseling. I tried to stop moping around, or at least tried not be so obvious about the fact that I was depressed, but Katya still picked on me and said I should smile more. I tended to space off a lot, and she yelled at me for that too, saying I needed to be there not just physically but emotionally as well. I agreed with her, but I just couldn't get myself to smile or be completely there. I wanted to be happy, but it was like a part of me had died, and it wasn't as easy to get it back as Katya thought it was. Today we were at Beachfront Wellness, in the waiting room for another one of our sessions. I hoped that it was helping, but I wasn't sure.

"Katya, do you still love me?"

"What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I love you. The reason I keep having to tell you to be happy is because I love you. I want you to be happy."

I smirked and looked away, not completely convinced of her answer. I don't even know how I got to this point in my marriage. She used to be so cute and innocent, but ever since she had Armand she's changed. Sometimes I wondered if she regretted having Armand, like if he wasn't there would our marriage be happier? She and Armand keep their distance for the most part, she's always civil to him when they do talk, but they never seek each other out. I was confused because as much as she doesn't seem to act like she loves him, she always uses him as an excuse to tell me why I should be fine. 'We should be enough for you, Patrick,' yet I know Armand doesn't make her happy. The receptionist told us her therapist, Dr. Sheffield, was ready to see us, so we went into his office and sat down.

"Welcome back, Patrick. Katya. How are you today?"

"The usual. He's mopey, and I just want what's best for him. Earlier in the lobby he questioned if I still loved him. Ridiculous."

I sat there, looking at the therapist and trying my hardest not to roll my eyes at Katya because she was acting like a stranger. I felt her eyes on me, trying to guilt me into admitting that I was the one with the problem. I was sick and tired of her blaming me for everything that was wrong with our marriage. As far as I was concerned, she was just as much to blame as I was.

"Why did you think that was a ridiculous question?"

"He should just know I love him. Everything I've done has been because I love him."

"Patrick, what are your feelings about what Katya just said?"

"I feel like if she loves me, she should try to understand me. Everything she says she's done for my benefit, has been what she thinks should make me happy, not what actually makes me happy."

"God, Patrick, you're like a broken record. Magic is the only thing that makes you happy? What about me? What about Armand? You're so selfish!"

"Oh I'm selfish? I went and got a job that you wanted me to get because it would make you feel better, and I'm selfish?! I don't understand why I can't have both, why can't I do what I want and also be happy with my family?"

I turned to Dr. Sheffield, riled up from what Katya just yelled at me about, again.

"See, Dr. Sheffield? She guilts me into these things, and makes me feel bad for having an interest! I'm not a fucking robot, why should I act like one? Why should I pretend that I don't need more than my family to be happy? Why is having something other than my family wrong?!"

Truthfully, I did feel like a broken record. I felt defeated because talking to Katya was like talking to a brick wall. She wasn't willing to just accept the fact that I changed my job for her, she wanted me to be something I wasn't, and she wanted me to be happy about it.

"First off, Patrick, it's not wrong to like things other than your family. That's human nature. Katya, why do you think it's so wrong for Patrick to want things for himself? Is there nothing that you want for yourself?"

"It's because what he wants is dangerous for our family, and I want him to be safe. I don't want to lose him. I just want him."

"Patrick, what do you think about that?"

"I understand that she doesn't want to lose me, but I think that can be interpreted two ways. She doesn't want me to fall victim to the person who put me in a coma all those years ago, but she's losing me every day the more she chooses to misunderstand me."

I glanced over at Katya, and she was sitting there, looking as if a train had hit her. For the first time, I felt as if she actually heard the words I was saying. The three of us sat there in silence for a few minutes, and then Katya spoke.

"I had no idea, Patrick. I'm so sorry."

"That's good! You guys have made progress today. I'm proud of you."

After our session was over, Katya and I rode home in silence. I wondered if she had meant her apology as I dropped her off at home and went over to Emmanuel's house. We then walked over to the bar I used to perform at when I was just starting out. I hadn't been there since my wedding reception. When I walked in, I noticed they had gotten new floors, and light fixtures.

"Hunter! Long time, no see! How are you?"

"Well you know, just living life."

"We've missed you around here since you moved on to bigger and better things."

"Thank you. I've missed it here as well."

I smiled weakly as I ordered my food. The combination of the bartender's warm smile and hearing my stage name again made me nostalgic for the past. I couldn't believe how much my life had changed and how simple things used to be back then. Emmanuel and I sat down to eat, and I felt numb, staring at my food as I raked my fork through it.

"Patrick, how did therapy go? Are you all right?"

"I miss my life, Emmanuel. I don't know where it went. I love my family, but things are just so wierd and different now. Katya apologized in therapy, but I don't know if she meant it."

Emmanuel looked at me sadly, and continued eating.

"I don't know what to do. I mean, I could keep going on like this, but I hate the way I feel every day. I know I don't want to keep doing what I'm doing, but I feel trapped."

"You need an outlet, Patrick. How long as it been since you performed a magic trick?"

"Years. I mean, I still play around with those parlor tricks at home, but performing? Not since the Pantages."

"What if you just did simple gigs here on the weekends or something? Do you think Katya would go for that? I know it's not the dream you wanted, but if you were able to do a little of it, maybe it would bring you back to life. You look like you're broken, Patrick. Every time we hang out now, it's like a dark cloud follows you everywhere. I hate seeing you like this."

"Thanks for your concern, Emmanuel, sometimes I feel like you're the only one who sees me. I don't think Katya would go for it, it really feels like she doesn't want me to like magic anymore."

"She seriously just gets upset with you if you perform at all? I thought she was just scared of that threat, which I still think is Jaxson."

"That's what I thought too, but after five months, and even after no more threats or anything suspicious, she still forced me to quit. I don't know. I think there's something else she doesn't like that she's hiding from me. I think it was Jaxson too. He probably got jealous of me and wanted the spotlight all to himself again. Before me, he was the only real big act in town, right?"

"Yup, that's right. It sounds like you're right on the money, Patrick. He was very egotistical during the last few months of our relationship. I could totally see him getting jealous and trying to eliminate competition."

"Ugh. I'm still pretty pissed off that it's like he won. He eliminated me as his competition. I mean, obviously, I'm still well known, but I'm inactive, discarded. I never thought this is how my career would end, you know? At the hands of my woman. I'm whipped, Emmanuel, unto infinity."

"Aww, dude, you're not whipped. You're thinking about Armand, I know you did it for him. That's honorable, and it shows how great of a father, and person, you are."

My heart warmed at Emmanuel's kind words, but I was still troubled. We finished our chicken wings, and I sat there trying to enjoy myself. Emmanuel was right, on both counts, I was broken, and I was also a good person. I thought more about Emmanuel saying I just needed an outlet. If I kept working at the office like Katya wanted, and then did some small entertainment at the bar, I could get the satisfaction of doing what I loved again minus the fear.

---

I looked down at The Hunter and Emmanuel, sitting there together. I knew The Hunter was straight, but I couldn't help feeling jealous that he got to spend time with Emmanuel instead of me. I missed him, and part of me wished things had gone better between us. The guy I had cheated on Emmanuel with was just a meaningless fling. The other part of me did remember how annoying Emmanuel could be though, he didn't understand the spotlight, he just kept being mad at me when I would bask in its glow. I didn't think flaunting myself a little was that bad. I was enjoying my success, but Emmanuel always thought I needed to be more grounded.

My plan to win Emmanuel back had completely backfired, however. Even when The Hunter was in that coma for three months, Emmanuel was by his side. Sometimes I wondered if he was secretly in love with The Hunter, which served to fuel my jealousy. I threatened The Hunter that night because I thought if he dropped out of the magic business, maybe Emmanuel would get desperate for work and come back to me. I don't think I gave Emmanuel enough credit, though. He's smart, and loyal, that's the only reason he stayed with me for so long after I started driving him crazy.

I saw Emmanuel get up and head over towards the bathrooms, so I decided to follow him. I didn't know what I was going to do, but I just wanted to talk to him. I stopped him just before he went into the restrooms. He looked shocked, which I expected.

"What the fuck, Jaxson..."

I put my arm around his back and pulled him close to me while touching his cheek. He surprised me by putting his hand on my arm.

"I miss you."

"No, we're not doing that again. I know what you did to Patrick, you dick. He's miserable, and I'm not forgiving you for that. You helped ruin my best friend's life."

"Ugh, Emmanuel, he's straight. You can cut the shit, you don't have to be so loyal to him. You don't work for him any more and you can't fuck him, no matter how much you want to. I can tell you are in love with him, but you can never have him."

"What are you talking about? He's my best friend, of course I'm going to be loyal to him."

"I know you're pent up, darling."

"Shut up, I'm seeing someone. So you can let me go now."

I got angry and let go of Emmanuel, but when he tried to walk past me, I pushed him once on his chest to keep him where he was. I didn't think that he was seeing anyone, every time I saw him, he was with The Hunter. He didn't have time for a boyfriend.

"What the fuck, Jaxson?! We're not connected anymore, you have no right to be pissed off at me for living my life! Get off me!"

Emmanuel pushed me against the wall with his fists around my shirt. I was getting turned on by how angry he was, but he was looking at me with hate in his eyes, which made me sad. I realized it was pointless for me to continue pursuing him because I had no chance of getting any sex from him tonight. I nodded, and Emmanuel pushed me again once, before leaving and going into the restroom.

After Emmanuel left, I stayed by the wall, saddened that I had been acting so erratically towards him. He didn't deserve that bullshit. He was the nicest guy I'd ever been with, and I threw it all away because of my giant ego. Sometimes I could be such a fuck up, but one thing was for sure, since my plan to get Emmanuel back hadn't worked, I would leave both him and The Hunter alone for good. I went back out to the restaurant area and saw him over by the karaoke machine. I had decided to leave the bar, but before I did, I stopped behind Patrick.

"I'm sorry for everything I've put you through, Hunter. I shouldn't have let my jealousy determine my actions. Take care of Emmanuel, he's a good one. I won't bother you any longer."

"Are you confessing to being my tormentor?"

"Yes."

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Patrick Twenty-One: Just Exist

Five months passed and I continued to work at the Pantages, all without incident. Just as I had suspected, the threat was empty, only designed to make me paranoid enough to quit, which hadn't happened, so the person gave up. That's more than I can say for Katya, however, because she was the one who became paranoid. She nagged me incessantly during those five months, and we had countless arguments about me changing my job because she thought the person would strike when we least expected it. She became afraid every time I went to a show, even when I came home perfectly fine, she would tell me they would get me next time. Katya got so bad that she insisted we go directly home after every show instead of out to eat to celebrate because she was afraid the person would have poisoned the food at the restaurant I was going to. It was no big surprise that we drifted apart from each other. I was greatly saddened by the fact that at the very height of my success at the Pantages, when I should have been the most ecstatic about my career, I felt the opposite. Katya thought she was showing me she loved me, when in reality, I felt like she robbed me emotionally of the joy I should have been able to feel, leaving me feeling suffocated and smothered.

Since I saw myself starting to resent Katya during those five months, I felt like I had to make a choice. I either had to leave her, or I had to quit magic. As much as I didn't want to give up magic because I loved it with all my heart, I knew I would never allow Armand to grow up with divorced parents, custody battles, and being shuffled from one parent's house to the other on weekends and holidays. I knew that despite the crazy person Katya had become, the cute, shy girl I had fallen in love with was in there somewhere, and I wanted her back. I knew I didn't want to break up my family, so I made the other difficult choice, and I told the director of the Pantages that I was going to be taking a hiatus due to personal reasons. He completely understood and said I was always welcome, which made me feel a lot better. That's how I started working at Beachside Accounting, the office that Carisa's husband Walter Drescur, owned.

Apparently, Katya had told Carisa about her fears, and Carisa had offered to help by asking her husband if there were any open positions in his company, in case I decided to quit magic. I had never gone to any formal schooling after high school so I wasn't very equipped to work at many of the office jobs in town. In that sense, I am thankful that Katya was looking out for me somewhat, making sure that I wasn't just wandering around aimlessly trying to find work, especially since she was the one who influenced me to quit. Despite that, it didn't change the fact that I wasn't happy working here. It wasn't the fault of anyone I worked with, it was just that I was bored crunching numbers all day. I felt like my brain didn't get to think as much as it had when I was coming up with a new illusion because I always had to make sure it was something that the audience couldn't see through or figure out right away. I wanted to make the audience think as well when they saw my shows.

Office work was so monotonous and repetitive. I was doing data entry since I didn't have the certification to do any actual accounting work. I can't believe that two years have passed already since I decided to give in to Katya and get a safer job. For a daredevil like me, this job, although nice, was torture on my soul. I stared at the picture of myself that I had framed on my desk and sighed loudly. Sometimes that picture was the only thing that got me through my day, that, and the large caramel frappucino I always made for myself in the little office kitchenette just outside my cubicle.

I thought back to the day I told Ephemera and Emmanuel that I was no longer going to be needing their services. They both knew why, as Katya was making herself very vocal about her fears. I told them it would be fine if they wanted to work for other magicians, but they both told me they would never do that because they were only loyal to me. I was grateful for the immense respect they had for me, and the three of us had such a great relationship, both professionally and personally. Ephemera had gotten a job as a bartender, and Emmanuel had decided to work at a car repair shop afterwards. Katya and Ephemera's relationship faltered. Ephemera doesn't call her names or anything like she used to before our wedding, but the two of them don't hang out anymore on their own. They only talk if Ephemera comes over to our house, which means Katya's only friend is now Carisa.

Katya's attitude changed a lot ever since I started working here. She stopped worrying and relaxed quite a bit. I was glad she was happy, but I was still unsure why she didn't realize that I wasn't. She always told me I would get used to it, that eventually my performing days would just be a fond memory and I would no longer miss it. That was one of the things we argued about. She just couldn't understand why I didn't consider this job a suitable replacement. It made me wonder if she was ever as passionate about surfing as I initially thought she was. Her decision to quit giving lessons didn't seem to bother her in the slightest, and even when Armand started school and she would have had time, she never thought of going back to it. It was for that reason that I knew she would never understand my unhappiness. She always thought that her and Armand should be enough to make me happy, that I shouldn't need anything else, and she always made me feel guilty that I liked magic. I always tried to explain that having them did make me happy, but that I saw nothing wrong with loving my job as well.

CLICK-CLACK-CLICK-CLACK.

I typed on my computer, entering information in as usual. It was around 3pm and I was determined to get the pile of work into the computer by 5:30. 

"Hey, Patrick. Would you like to go get a snack with me?"

I  heard the voice of my co-worker, Jermaine, near me. I had become friends with Jermaine after we had sat next to each other at a meeting one day and I found out he really enjoyed watching magic shows. Most everybody I worked with knew who I was and were almost starstruck in their attitudes towards me, whereas Jermaine had been in awe, but not intimidated.

I got up and Jermaine and I walked over to the kitchenette, where he got a donut and I got a soda. Jermaine was two years younger than me, and he was single, never having found a steady relationship with any of the women he had dated throughout his life. He joked that work was the only thing that wouldn't yell at him, whereas the women would often get naggy and clingy after a few months, sometimes even weeks. I wondered if he was a workaholic, but then decided he probably wasn't because he enjoyed the theater and going to see various plays and magic shows. I had asked him if he had seen any of mine, and he said that he had, confessing that mine was one of the shows he enjoyed going to multiple times.

"Hunterrrrrr. Hey sexy."

I rolled my eyes as Rebecca, the receptionist, snaked her way over to the kitchenette, placing her hands on the table, purposefully positioning her chest in front of my line of vision. I looked away, irritated at her. Rebecca had gotten hired four months ago, and she hit on me a lot. She reminded me of all of those girls who wanted to sleep with me because I was a celebrity, usually shallow and always flaunting themselves, either with trying to stick their breasts in my face, bumping into me, or brushing themselves against me. I'd seen all the tricks, and now that I was married, I was annoyed because Rebecca knew that and she still relentlessly pursued me.

I finished my soda and told Jermaine I was going to be heading back to my desk. It was the only place Rebecca couldn't hound me. Annoyingly, Rebecca came up behind me, continuing to try to hit on me.

"Feel that, Hunter. I can give you more than that flat chested wife of yours. Don't you want a real woman?"

I scowled when Rebecca insulted Katya, and I growled under my breath.

"Shut up, Rebecca, and leave me alone."

I started walking quicker to get away from her and heard her continuing to whine behind me.

"Oh come on. It's just sex, you don't have to be serious with me. I can just be your little play thing."

"Lay off him, Rebecca. He's married, for Christ's sake. You look desperate."

I heard Jermaine's voice behind me, and I was grateful that he always had my back, as well as being a physical barrier for Rebecca's advances. I went back to my desk and couldn't have been happier when 5:30pm came around. When I got home I put my jacket on the coat rack and laid down on the couch, wanting to be alone. My wish didn't come true because Katya bounced over and plopped herself down on the coffee table, eager to interact with me.

"Hi, baby, how was work? Are you hungry?"

I found myself happy and disgusted at the same time, happy that my wife was finally in a good mood, and disgusted that she seemed not to care that I didn't share her enthusiasm. I kept staring at the texture of the couch arm in front of me, and responded that the slutty receptionist had hit on me again, but I dealt with it by just walking away.

"Aww, she's still coming on to you? Can you tell Walter about it?"

"I suppose I could, but sexual harassment cases against women never go well for the guy. Somehow the girl always weasels her way out of it. I'm not saying Walter wouldn't believe me, and I have a witness, but if it ever went to court, I don't have high hopes that I would win the case."

Katya touched my face and tried to make me feel better by playing with my hair, but it didn't really work. I sat up, propping my arm on the couch while looking off into the distance.

"How are you and Armand?"

"I'm okay. My day was pretty normal. He's okay, I guess. He's out in the pool."

I told Katya I was going to go change. After I did, I went out to the backyard and waved at Armand, who smiled at me. Since Katya didn't really know how to cook, as well as showing no desire to learn how, I headed into the kitchen to make dinner. Not long after, Armand came inside and sat at the counter to keep me company.

"Hi Daddy, are you happy to be home?"

"Yeah, I really am. How was your day?"

"Okay, just school, and homework. Nothing exciting."

"Did you and Mommy do anything together?"

"No, not really. She's boring. She just reads all the time. Then when she's not reading, she watches television. I am happy though, she's not telling me what to do anymore."

I sighed to myself as I continued to make dinner. I wished Katya would try to hang out with Armand a little more, but I suppose he did have a point. Was distance better than constant confrontation? I wasn't sure. I could only hope that Armand had enough guidance to make good choices when they were presented to him. He was ten years old now, and soon he would be a teenager. I had stopped trying to tell Katya how to deal with Armand since it was one of our broken record topics. We would get nowhere with the discussion, and Katya would withdraw.

After dinner and some random lounging around activities, I was getting tired. I changed into my pajamas and was getting ready to crawl underneath the covers when Katya emerged from the closet and pounced on me.

"Mmmm... hello, sexy. I'm feeling frisky."

I was getting slightly irritated because the way Katya was rubbing up against me was exciting my body, but my mind was not into it. If we did have sex tonight, it would just be monotonous, with no emotion, like it had been for the past couple of times we'd done it. I decided it might be better to just decline instead of doing it and then getting yelled at that 'I wasn't with it last night.'

"I don't know, Katya, I have to get up early tomorrow."

"Aww, come on, won't it make you happy?"

"I don't know, maybe, but I don't think sex is going to fix our problems, Katya."

Katya pulled herself off me, and sat down. She looked at me, crossing her right arm over her left, but not talking right away. She scratched her upper arm a little bit nervously.

"I don't understand why you're not happy, Patrick. You're safe now. I don't get why you don't feel free, like a giant weight has been lifted off your shoulders."

"It's because I don't feel that way, Katya. I feel the exact opposite, like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I feel constricted and restrained by that job. It's a good job, and on a surface level, I like it, but I'm not passionate about it."

Katya glared at me and jumped off the bed, clearly upset again. This was our classic argument, and I was sick of having it. I wished I could just stop feeling sad, but my choices were to pretend I was happy and just be miserable inside, or blanket my emotions by taking Prozac. Neither of those options sounded appealing to me.

"Oh my god, Patrick! You are acting like a child! As an adult, you need to make sacrifices! Your safety is incredibly important because you have a wife and a son! You can't just go and do what you want all the time! Stop being so damn selfish! Do you think I'm happy all the time?! Sometimes I have to suck it up for Armand when he drives me crazy and all I want is to be left alone for just five minutes?! So, all I ask, all I ask, is for you to just SUCK IT UP for your family!! God! I am so sick of you moping around all the time!"

I was beyond pissed off at this point, and tired, which made for a pretty terrible combination. Armand was not the least bit needy. He could often be found painting or swimming in the pool like he had been today. He always did his homework without either of us having to tell him. From what he told me earlier, it sounded like the two of them kept to themselves mostly, so what was she even talking about 'being left alone for just five minutes?'

"What are you even talking about, Katya? Does Armand bug you constantly when I'm not here? He just told me that you and him spent the day doing your own things, you read your book, and he went swimming. From the information that I have been given, he doesn't bother you at all! I have been sucking it up for you guys for the past two years! Have you not even seen that? I put up with a crazy lady who hits on me almost every day! She makes me crazy! But I stay at the company because that's what you want! So can you at least give me the luxury of letting me FEEL WHAT I WANT TO FEEL since I haven't been able to do anything else for myself since I started working at that office?! I don't want to just exist, Katya, I want to live!"

"Whatever, Patrick. Just be miserable, even though you have the perfect family and the perfect job. You don't appreciate what you have."

I felt like my head was going to explode. From Katya's viewpoint, everything was perfect, but from my viewpoint, nothing was perfect. I didn't even think I wanted perfect, I just wanted meaningful. I wanted enjoyment and passion in my life, that came from doing things that meant something. As I looked at my beautiful yet irritating wife, I wondered when my life had become so fucking wrong.

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