Patrick Twenty-Two: I Won't Bother You Anymore

After about another year of fighting with Katya, we decided to go see her therapist together for marriage counseling. I tried to stop moping around, or at least tried not be so obvious about the fact that I was depressed, but Katya still picked on me and said I should smile more. I tended to space off a lot, and she yelled at me for that too, saying I needed to be there not just physically but emotionally as well. I agreed with her, but I just couldn't get myself to smile or be completely there. I wanted to be happy, but it was like a part of me had died, and it wasn't as easy to get it back as Katya thought it was. Today we were at Beachfront Wellness, in the waiting room for another one of our sessions. I hoped that it was helping, but I wasn't sure.

"Katya, do you still love me?"

"What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I love you. The reason I keep having to tell you to be happy is because I love you. I want you to be happy."

I smirked and looked away, not completely convinced of her answer. I don't even know how I got to this point in my marriage. She used to be so cute and innocent, but ever since she had Armand she's changed. Sometimes I wondered if she regretted having Armand, like if he wasn't there would our marriage be happier? She and Armand keep their distance for the most part, she's always civil to him when they do talk, but they never seek each other out. I was confused because as much as she doesn't seem to act like she loves him, she always uses him as an excuse to tell me why I should be fine. 'We should be enough for you, Patrick,' yet I know Armand doesn't make her happy. The receptionist told us her therapist, Dr. Sheffield, was ready to see us, so we went into his office and sat down.

"Welcome back, Patrick. Katya. How are you today?"

"The usual. He's mopey, and I just want what's best for him. Earlier in the lobby he questioned if I still loved him. Ridiculous."

I sat there, looking at the therapist and trying my hardest not to roll my eyes at Katya because she was acting like a stranger. I felt her eyes on me, trying to guilt me into admitting that I was the one with the problem. I was sick and tired of her blaming me for everything that was wrong with our marriage. As far as I was concerned, she was just as much to blame as I was.

"Why did you think that was a ridiculous question?"

"He should just know I love him. Everything I've done has been because I love him."

"Patrick, what are your feelings about what Katya just said?"

"I feel like if she loves me, she should try to understand me. Everything she says she's done for my benefit, has been what she thinks should make me happy, not what actually makes me happy."

"God, Patrick, you're like a broken record. Magic is the only thing that makes you happy? What about me? What about Armand? You're so selfish!"

"Oh I'm selfish? I went and got a job that you wanted me to get because it would make you feel better, and I'm selfish?! I don't understand why I can't have both, why can't I do what I want and also be happy with my family?"

I turned to Dr. Sheffield, riled up from what Katya just yelled at me about, again.

"See, Dr. Sheffield? She guilts me into these things, and makes me feel bad for having an interest! I'm not a fucking robot, why should I act like one? Why should I pretend that I don't need more than my family to be happy? Why is having something other than my family wrong?!"

Truthfully, I did feel like a broken record. I felt defeated because talking to Katya was like talking to a brick wall. She wasn't willing to just accept the fact that I changed my job for her, she wanted me to be something I wasn't, and she wanted me to be happy about it.

"First off, Patrick, it's not wrong to like things other than your family. That's human nature. Katya, why do you think it's so wrong for Patrick to want things for himself? Is there nothing that you want for yourself?"

"It's because what he wants is dangerous for our family, and I want him to be safe. I don't want to lose him. I just want him."

"Patrick, what do you think about that?"

"I understand that she doesn't want to lose me, but I think that can be interpreted two ways. She doesn't want me to fall victim to the person who put me in a coma all those years ago, but she's losing me every day the more she chooses to misunderstand me."

I glanced over at Katya, and she was sitting there, looking as if a train had hit her. For the first time, I felt as if she actually heard the words I was saying. The three of us sat there in silence for a few minutes, and then Katya spoke.

"I had no idea, Patrick. I'm so sorry."

"That's good! You guys have made progress today. I'm proud of you."

After our session was over, Katya and I rode home in silence. I wondered if she had meant her apology as I dropped her off at home and went over to Emmanuel's house. We then walked over to the bar I used to perform at when I was just starting out. I hadn't been there since my wedding reception. When I walked in, I noticed they had gotten new floors, and light fixtures.

"Hunter! Long time, no see! How are you?"

"Well you know, just living life."

"We've missed you around here since you moved on to bigger and better things."

"Thank you. I've missed it here as well."

I smiled weakly as I ordered my food. The combination of the bartender's warm smile and hearing my stage name again made me nostalgic for the past. I couldn't believe how much my life had changed and how simple things used to be back then. Emmanuel and I sat down to eat, and I felt numb, staring at my food as I raked my fork through it.

"Patrick, how did therapy go? Are you all right?"

"I miss my life, Emmanuel. I don't know where it went. I love my family, but things are just so wierd and different now. Katya apologized in therapy, but I don't know if she meant it."

Emmanuel looked at me sadly, and continued eating.

"I don't know what to do. I mean, I could keep going on like this, but I hate the way I feel every day. I know I don't want to keep doing what I'm doing, but I feel trapped."

"You need an outlet, Patrick. How long as it been since you performed a magic trick?"

"Years. I mean, I still play around with those parlor tricks at home, but performing? Not since the Pantages."

"What if you just did simple gigs here on the weekends or something? Do you think Katya would go for that? I know it's not the dream you wanted, but if you were able to do a little of it, maybe it would bring you back to life. You look like you're broken, Patrick. Every time we hang out now, it's like a dark cloud follows you everywhere. I hate seeing you like this."

"Thanks for your concern, Emmanuel, sometimes I feel like you're the only one who sees me. I don't think Katya would go for it, it really feels like she doesn't want me to like magic anymore."

"She seriously just gets upset with you if you perform at all? I thought she was just scared of that threat, which I still think is Jaxson."

"That's what I thought too, but after five months, and even after no more threats or anything suspicious, she still forced me to quit. I don't know. I think there's something else she doesn't like that she's hiding from me. I think it was Jaxson too. He probably got jealous of me and wanted the spotlight all to himself again. Before me, he was the only real big act in town, right?"

"Yup, that's right. It sounds like you're right on the money, Patrick. He was very egotistical during the last few months of our relationship. I could totally see him getting jealous and trying to eliminate competition."

"Ugh. I'm still pretty pissed off that it's like he won. He eliminated me as his competition. I mean, obviously, I'm still well known, but I'm inactive, discarded. I never thought this is how my career would end, you know? At the hands of my woman. I'm whipped, Emmanuel, unto infinity."

"Aww, dude, you're not whipped. You're thinking about Armand, I know you did it for him. That's honorable, and it shows how great of a father, and person, you are."

My heart warmed at Emmanuel's kind words, but I was still troubled. We finished our chicken wings, and I sat there trying to enjoy myself. Emmanuel was right, on both counts, I was broken, and I was also a good person. I thought more about Emmanuel saying I just needed an outlet. If I kept working at the office like Katya wanted, and then did some small entertainment at the bar, I could get the satisfaction of doing what I loved again minus the fear.

---

I looked down at The Hunter and Emmanuel, sitting there together. I knew The Hunter was straight, but I couldn't help feeling jealous that he got to spend time with Emmanuel instead of me. I missed him, and part of me wished things had gone better between us. The guy I had cheated on Emmanuel with was just a meaningless fling. The other part of me did remember how annoying Emmanuel could be though, he didn't understand the spotlight, he just kept being mad at me when I would bask in its glow. I didn't think flaunting myself a little was that bad. I was enjoying my success, but Emmanuel always thought I needed to be more grounded.

My plan to win Emmanuel back had completely backfired, however. Even when The Hunter was in that coma for three months, Emmanuel was by his side. Sometimes I wondered if he was secretly in love with The Hunter, which served to fuel my jealousy. I threatened The Hunter that night because I thought if he dropped out of the magic business, maybe Emmanuel would get desperate for work and come back to me. I don't think I gave Emmanuel enough credit, though. He's smart, and loyal, that's the only reason he stayed with me for so long after I started driving him crazy.

I saw Emmanuel get up and head over towards the bathrooms, so I decided to follow him. I didn't know what I was going to do, but I just wanted to talk to him. I stopped him just before he went into the restrooms. He looked shocked, which I expected.

"What the fuck, Jaxson..."

I put my arm around his back and pulled him close to me while touching his cheek. He surprised me by putting his hand on my arm.

"I miss you."

"No, we're not doing that again. I know what you did to Patrick, you dick. He's miserable, and I'm not forgiving you for that. You helped ruin my best friend's life."

"Ugh, Emmanuel, he's straight. You can cut the shit, you don't have to be so loyal to him. You don't work for him any more and you can't fuck him, no matter how much you want to. I can tell you are in love with him, but you can never have him."

"What are you talking about? He's my best friend, of course I'm going to be loyal to him."

"I know you're pent up, darling."

"Shut up, I'm seeing someone. So you can let me go now."

I got angry and let go of Emmanuel, but when he tried to walk past me, I pushed him once on his chest to keep him where he was. I didn't think that he was seeing anyone, every time I saw him, he was with The Hunter. He didn't have time for a boyfriend.

"What the fuck, Jaxson?! We're not connected anymore, you have no right to be pissed off at me for living my life! Get off me!"

Emmanuel pushed me against the wall with his fists around my shirt. I was getting turned on by how angry he was, but he was looking at me with hate in his eyes, which made me sad. I realized it was pointless for me to continue pursuing him because I had no chance of getting any sex from him tonight. I nodded, and Emmanuel pushed me again once, before leaving and going into the restroom.

After Emmanuel left, I stayed by the wall, saddened that I had been acting so erratically towards him. He didn't deserve that bullshit. He was the nicest guy I'd ever been with, and I threw it all away because of my giant ego. Sometimes I could be such a fuck up, but one thing was for sure, since my plan to get Emmanuel back hadn't worked, I would leave both him and The Hunter alone for good. I went back out to the restaurant area and saw him over by the karaoke machine. I had decided to leave the bar, but before I did, I stopped behind Patrick.

"I'm sorry for everything I've put you through, Hunter. I shouldn't have let my jealousy determine my actions. Take care of Emmanuel, he's a good one. I won't bother you any longer."

"Are you confessing to being my tormentor?"

"Yes."