I continued to sit on the bench with Patrick after I had refused his advances to French kiss me. I was sad, angry, and scared. I was sad because I had made Patrick sad and possibly angry, which was the last thing I wanted after the fun day we had just had. I was angry at myself because I had let my insecurities into yet another relationship. I was scared because I didn't know what to expect if I had let Patrick go any further. I knew in my heart he was a sweet guy and I believed him the day he told me he would never force himself on me, but my head was still holding that fear at the front of my mind. Stupid, Katya, stupid!
I can't believe I had just asked him to declare that I was his girlfriend, and then gone and turned him down so quickly. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that Patrick was pouting, and looking down at the ground. He still had his arm around me, and I was afraid to move because what if this was the last time he ever touched me? Part of my mind was suspicious of Patrick. He wouldn't be so angry if it was okay for me to say no, would he? I didn't know what to do, and once again, I felt like I had made things awkward between us. Patrick scooted away from me and put his hands in his lap.
"Patrick, I'm sorry."
"Yeah, me too."
I tried to gauge his tone of voice from his simple response, and he sounded angry, but I could also sense a hint of sadness as well. Had he just broken up with me? Or was he just sorry for upsetting me? Ugh, I could slap myself for being so doubtful of everything I do. We didn't talk and he didn't try to touch me again. He just left. I was trying really hard to hold back the tears that wanted to fall down my face, but it was becoming increasingly difficult as the minutes dragged on. When I was sure he was out of sight and that he couldn't hear me, I started bawling. I walked to my car and got in, then cried on my steering wheel for a little bit until I pulled myself together so I could see well enough to drive home.
As soon as I stepped into the house, I cried some more. I wandered into my bedroom, pulled on the comfiest pair of pajamas I owned, found my favorite romantic comedy, where the guy and the girl get together in the end, and got some ice cream out of the fridge. As I watched the movie, I pretended it was Patrick and I, and I hoped that things would be better between us, if there even still was an us. About thirty minutes into the movie, my doorbell rang. I panicked slightly because I knew I looked like crap right now, and if it was Patrick, I would be really embarrassed. I took a deep breath, knowing I probably didn't have enough time to change into good clothes and put myself back together, so I just sucked it up and opened the door.
"Ephemera? What are you doing here?"
"I need a place to stay. Can I stay with you?"
I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at Ephemera. I had been curious about where she had been, and was still hurt that she hadn't called me when she got into town. However, I knew in my heart I would let her in eventually, but I felt like I had to give her a hard time first.
"Why would you want to stay with me? We're not exactly friends."
"I have nowhere else to go. I went to Dad's old house and he doesn't live there anymore. I don't know where Mom is, so I got your address from Patrick."
"Using my boyfriend to stalk me? That's low, Ephemera."
"Oh come on. He had no problem telling me since I'm your sister."
"Fine, whatever, come in. You can stay here."
Ephemera dragged her suitcase in and I sighed. I showed her where she could stay, where the bathroom and kitchen were, and then left her to her own devices. I went back to the couch, and pushed the play button on my DVD remote. A little while later, Ephemera walked into the living room and plopped herself on the couch with a beer in her hand.
"What are you watching?"
"The Holiday."
"Stupid chick flick."
"Shut up, Ephemera. Just because there aren't any explosions or death doesn't mean the movie is stupid."
Ephemera stuck her finger in her mouth, pretending to gag. I didn't let her get to me as I scooped some more ice cream into my mouth. We sat in peace for the remainder of the movie, which I was grateful for, and only when the credits rolled did Ephemera speak again, no big surprise, to insult me.
"Jesus Christ, Katya, did you really eat that entire tub of ice cream? Aren't you scared your ass will become the size of Texas?"
"I had a bad day, okay?"
"Emotional eating is stupid."
"How long have you even been in Silicon Shores, Ephemera, and where were you staying before now?"
"I don't know, a few weeks. I was renting a motel, but it was getting expensive. What the fuck happened to you? Your eyes are all red."
"None of your business. It's not like you care anyway."
Ephemera sighed, and hung her head, which is something she rarely did around me. She was always arrogant and self confident, making jabs at me. I knew she was mad at me for siding with Dad, but I still felt like she didn't need to be so mean to me all the time. After all, we were adults now.
"I'm trying to make conversation, Katya. I know I haven't been the nicest to you, but you still opened your home to me, so thank you."
"Well, you're my sister, I couldn't just let you be on the streets. Ugh, fine, if you really want to know, I had a fight with Patrick."
"You already screwed things up? How long were you dating him? Twenty minutes? You were always sucky at relationships."
"As a matter of fact, I don't know where we are, and I'm not sure we broke up, so don't just assume!"
"You're such a prude, is it cause you wouldn't put out? Katya, you know boys like sex, right?"
"Yeah, well at least I'm not loose, like you, giving it up to everyone who comes by."
"Shut up, and get off your high horse. At least I'm able to get laid, and I'm also not the one in rainbow sweats and a hamburger shirt sucking down a million calories. Think about that."
With that last rude comment, Ephemera finished off her beer and walked out of the living room, setting the empty bottle on the kitchen counter and heading in the direction of her bedroom. I took a deep breath and looked into the now empty tub of ice cream. In a way, as mean as she was, Ephemera was right. I had so many mental blocks from my experience that it seemed to be consuming me and holding me back from moving on with my new relationship. That's the last thing I wanted my life to become, me being prisoner to my thoughts, leading me to shut Patrick out. I laid down on the couch with my arm over my face, ashamed of myself.
The next time I opened my eyes, sunlight was pouring in from the large windows of my living room. I guess I had fallen asleep on the couch. I walked into the bathroom to take a shower and when I looked at myself in the mirror, I was a mess. My ponytail holder had worked it's way down my hair, making my ponytail all loose, and it hung itself down by my left shoulder. My eyes felt puffy from all the crying I did yesterday, and they were definitely red. I looked unhealthy and tired. Would I ever find happiness? I thought about Patrick again, and he made me happy. He was the nicest guy I'd ever met. Why did I have to be such a screw up?
I stepped into the bathtub, which made me feel slightly better. I needed something new in my life, maybe I was just stuck in a rut, stuck in my ways of believing I had to be scared, stuck in the same tired old routine. I started thinking about things I could do to inject some excitement into my life. Maybe I could get a part-time job or something. My thoughts then went to my father, and how Ephemera had said he had moved out of the house we grew up in. I didn't know that because I had lost touch with him, sadly. I hoped he was okay, and I felt another pang of sadness hit me, mixed with guilt for not keeping in touch with him. For how close we had been when I was little, I started to wonder why I had let life get in the way of our relationship.
After my bath was over, I put on one of my favorite dresses. It looked like it had a painting on the front of it, and it was very soft and comfortable to wear. I combed my hair and put some eye drops in my eyes. I smiled at myself, hoping it would make me feel a little happier. I thought about Patrick and wondered if we were still a couple. I hoped we were. Should I go over to his house and apologize for acting so terrified around him or would he think I was desperate and annoying? Surely he doesn't suffer from a lack of girls wanting to be with him, he's so handsome. Crap. Does that mean I need to go over there and stake my claim before anyone else asks him out? Ugh, why do my thoughts make me feel like I'm in high school again? Now we're back to Tyler and how he treated me wrong.
My vicious cycle of thoughts was really starting to make me wonder if I was going insane. I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths, like my psychologist had suggested I do whenever my thoughts threatened to consume me. It worked, but I was still feeling uneasy about what had happened between Patrick and I. I decided to clean my house because the simple act of cleaning sometimes made me feel better, and helped me take my mind off of what was bothering me. Sadly, however, when I went out to the kitchen, it seemed relatively clean. Except for the beer bottle Ephemera had left on the counter, there really wasn't anything I needed to pick up. I opted to dust since I had a full roll of paper towels.
The doorbell rang, and when I went to answer it, Patrick was standing there with a bouquet of flowers. I was so relieved he was there that I let him in immediately. He looked up at me with puppy dog eyes as he handed me the flowers. It was only after I took them from him and inhaled their fresh scent that he spoke.
"Katya, I'm so sorry about yesterday. I hope I didn't come over too soon, but it was driving me crazy how we left things. I didn't know what to do, so I thought the best thing for me to do was to just leave. I'm sorry if that hurt you, so that's why I'm here today. I wanted to let you know I never meant to hurt you. I'd like to give us another chance, but only if you want to."
My heart was jumping from happiness that Patrick was actually standing in front of me. It didn't matter that he was talking at double speed, or that he might have been nervous. All the anxiety I felt from the uncertainty of whether he had broken up with me or not vanished into thin air. All I wanted to do was hug him, so I did.
"I'm so happy you came over. I'm sorry too about what happened. Let's go to the living room. Do you want something to drink or eat?"
"No, I'm okay."
Patrick and I sat on the couch together, and he craned his neck to look at the view outside my windows. He put his hands on his lap, which I was grateful for, and sat close to me, which I also enjoyed. I scratched my head, thinking of what to say to him. It was strange because before he arrived, I felt like I was bursting at the seams with things I thought I wanted to say, but now that he was actually here, I clammed up. Patrick didn't seem to mind, as he just sat next to me patiently.
"Thank you for the flowers, Patrick. It was very thoughtful of you."
"You're welcome."
"Umm... I want to explain myself. Before Tyler forced himself on me, we were making out, and I was enjoying it. I don't know where it turned bad, but when I realized it, it was too late. When you kissed me like that, I immediately shut down because I didn't want to have it turn bad again without me knowing it."
I halfway expected Patrick to get angry and interrupt me to say that I shouldn't be comparing him to Tyler, but he just shifted in his seat and continued listening to me. He was really very different from any other guy I'd ever met.
"I just need you to understand that I really do like you... a lot... but I need to move slowly for this to work. My experience was the only time I've ever had sex, and it was also the first time. I'm terrified that it will hurt and be just as unpleasant as it was with Tyler. Um... so if you're okay with all of my crap, then I'd love to continue with our relationship."
Patrick nodded and looked at me with content on his face. The next few words he said to me made my heart melt, and I was confident we would be more than okay.
"Katya, we can go as slow as you need. I like you too, and I think you're worth the wait."
Posts
