"Today we are gathered here to celebrate the life of Katya Eliza Hunt, beloved daughter, sister, mother, and wife. Katya was a sweet, innocent girl who was tainted by life's hardships. We won't go into the details of that because we are choosing to remember her in a positive light. Katya's father, Jack Monroe, will be giving the eulogy."
I watched Jack as he made his way up to the podium that was next to Katya's coffin. He looked older than when I last saw him, with gray streaks in his blonde hair, and more lines on his face than he probably cared to admit he had. I had only interacted with him during my wedding to Katya, and he had accepted me as his own. I wondered how he felt about me now, and I wouldn't blame him if he hated my guts. I knew Katya's death wasn't my fault, and from past interactions with Jack, I didn't think he would be someone who would play the blame game, especially since he knew so much about how Katya could get when she withdrew into herself.
Since he lived in France, Katya and I didn't visit him often. I knew Katya had been estranged from him for a while because of family problems, only reuniting with him on her wedding day, but I had no idea if she kept in touch with him or not. If she hadn't, I almost wished she would have because from what I remember about him, he was a very wise man. Even if he would have been mad at me or taken Katya's side while we were fighting, it would have made perfect sense, and I would have preferred that Katya go to him for advice because it might have helped. Today was a day of what-ifs for me, and I was weary, scared of what everyone would think of me. Would I be known as the husband who drove his wife to alcoholism because he was a selfish bastard, or would I be the widower whose wife was such a loner that she couldn't face her own problems with the help of her husband who wanted nothing more than to support her?
I looked over at Katya, laying there with her pretty blonde hair braided like it was when we first met, and her hands crossed over her stomach, fingers intertwined. Peaceful and tranquil. Funerals always made me feel wierd because it was just strange seeing the deceased lay there so calm and collected, when I was used to the person being far from calm while they were alive. I got the same feeling when my Aunt Helena died because I remember her fighting a lot with my parents, and she was always yelling like Katya was. I wondered how I would feel if someone I was very close to passed away, since the two funerals I had been to so far were people I was theoretically supposed to be close to, but somehow they ended up feeling like strangers to me.
"Katya was always a bit of a loner, even when she was a little girl. Some people think that only children long for the companionship of a sibling, and although some of them might, I always felt like Katya would have preferred to be an only child. She was a sweetheart, and she enjoyed spending time with me, usually at the library because her greatest love was probably her love of books. She never got along with people very well, and after a long day at school, she loved to retreat into her room away from her two sisters. When I would go in search of her, I would always find her sitting at her desk doing her homework, or reading. She also had a terrible habit of not opening up to me or anyone else when she had a problem, choosing instead to suffer in silence. Sometimes I worried that she would alienate herself too much to the point where she would become a hermit, so when she got married, I was ecstatic. I tried to help Patrick as best I could with advice about Katya when she would get into her moods, but ultimately, her demons won. I wish that things had gone better for Katya, and I sincerely hope that wherever she is right now, she is at peace with herself."
When Jack got to the part where he mentioned me and trying to help me to the best of his abilities, my fears dissipated a tiny bit that he wouldn't just come up to me and point his finger in my face with disdain. I was glad that he was able to see both sides of the story, despite not even being in the same country for any of it. Even though in my heart I truly believed that I was not the cause of Katya's death, my head was filled with lies like 'If you'd stopped her from hanging out with Carisa, she wouldn't have been drinking so much,' or ' If you hadn't been such a stubborn asshole, and just been happy giving up magic, maybe she'd still be alive.' I knew that was stupid because common sense told me Katya made her own mistakes, and that I had worked my ass off trying to compromise and make our marriage work, while she had remained stubborn and unwilling. I looked over at Carisa, who was sitting on the bench opposite me, leaning forward with her legs crossed.
I wondered what she was thinking because I didn't really understand her and Katya's friendship. I knew that Mikayla was her daughter and Armand's childhood friend, but I always felt like Carisa was somehow telling Katya what to do, as if she liked Katya because she could boss her around completely. Not when it came to me, but more when it came to raising children. I wondered if that was why Katya was never able to get along with Armand, that maybe her constantly taking child rearing advice from Carisa was actually a terrible idea. I didn't know Carisa that well, and I wasn't going to judge her on how she raised Mikayla, but I wasn't too excited about the way Carisa treated Katya. Still, she was here, attending the funeral, so maybe she did genuinely care about Katya.
Emmanuel and Ephemera sat behind Armand and I during the service. Ephemera had a look of regret on her face, probably because her and Katya had grown further apart during the times that Katya had started nagging me about quitting magic. I felt bad for her that she felt she had to take sides, but in her case, family was not stronger than friendship. Ephemera would hang out with Emmanuel and I sometimes at mine and Katya's house while I was home alone with Armand and Katya was out with Carisa. I was sad that she and Katya had become acquaintances again after they had both mended their fences on our wedding day. Emmanuel had been there through thick and thin for me, always loyal, never wavering. Ephemera had also done that somewhat as well, with her taking my side, even though Katya was her sister. They were both there for me when I had my accident, and Emmanuel's quick call to action had saved my life. I was very grateful to both of them.
My parents were also here, with their arms around each other, as usual. I loved that they were still happy after thirty-five years of being together, but I was also jealous of their closeness. I felt like a failure somewhat. Don't they say that only people who have a terrible childhood end up with miserable lives? That's what they blame it on I guess, but I had good parents, so what they say must be a crock of shit. My marriage had sucked. Sure, I had good times with Katya, but the majority of our years together sucked. My parents taught me better than this, so why did I fuck it up so bad? I thought back to the day when I had my first successful show at the Starlight, and how I had seen Katya there, wishing I could have a love with her like my parents had with each other. How wrong I was. How very, very wrong.
By this time, Jack had finished the eulogy, and we were having a moment of silence before we left to go to the cemetery for the burial.
At the cemetery, Katya's coffin was set in the grave she was going to be buried in while the priest said a final prayer to put Katya's soul at rest, and then he nodded his head as he left. Carisa dropped some roses on Katya's coffin, made the sign of the cross on her chest, then walked away out of the cemetery. I stood there, staring down at the lid of the coffin, just silent. It was over, til death do us part. That had happened. I was now a widower. My parents came and gave me a hug, letting me know I could come over to their house as much as I wanted if I needed someone to talk to. I continued to stand over Katya's grave after they left, just staring into the hole, the hole that mimicked how my heart felt. Even after the sun started to set, I stood there frozen.
"It didn't have to end this way, Katya. All you had to do was talk to me, just fucking talk to me. Why did you want to always wallow in silence? Why? Was I that terrible of a husband that you didn't like to share your feelings with me? Why didn't you just say something?! Anything? I suffered during our marriage, oh, I suffered, but I at least let you know about it! Yeah, it led to us fighting, but at least I was addressing the problem! Now you're dead. You're fucking dead because you wouldn't say anything to me?! I tried, and I tried, but you shut me the fuck out! All the damn time! I loved you, I will always love you. Maybe if I had followed you to the bakery, you wouldn't have died, but I probably gave up on you at that point. Maybe I thought, 'just fuck it, she won't talk to me anyway, so why should I?'
By this point, I was yelling at the air like a crazy person, my anger at Katya for all those years rising up from within me, causing me to erupt in a fountain of tears and screaming. My vision was blurred, and I didn't realize anyone else was still at the cemetery until I felt someone's arm around me, and when I looked up, it was Ephemera giving me a warm, comforting smile.
"Hey, Patrick. It'll be all right."
Ephemera hugged me, rubbed my back comfortingly, and let me cry into her shoulder, before we made our way over to the steps in front of the funeral home. She told me that Armand had left with my parents and Emmanuel, but that she had stayed behind to see if I was going to be okay. I wiped my tears away and smiled at her. I felt like it had been years since I'd given a genuine smile to a woman. The heavens only knew that I had no reason to smile at Katya, and when I did, it was just to placate her need for me not to mope around. I looked at Ephemera, amazed at how our friendship had progressed over the years, remembering how she had left me confused and emasculated when I first met her. Now she was here, one of my closest friends, my wife's sister, who had pushed blood aside to stand by me. She was a true friend.
"Patrick? Are you okay?"
"What? Yeah, sorry. I was lost in thought, reminiscing actually, about how our friendship has developed."
"I suppose I didn't leave too good of a first impression, did I? I'm sorry about that. I had been burned before, so I was just keeping my walls up until I got to know you better."
"What happened, if you don't mind me asking?"
"Oh, I just worked for a magician before, in New York, and he turned out to be a first-class asshole. He used me as his mistress and didn't tell me he was married until I wanted more out of our relationship. So I left, came back to California, and was at the bar having a drink, when I saw your act. I still wanted to be an assistant, but I didn't want to have the same problem again. I know it's quite easy for an assistant to sleep with the magician they're working for, and keep it a secret for a long time."
"Wow, I'm sorry, Ephemera, I didn't know you'd been hurt like that before."
"It's okay, I'm over it now. He didn't deserve me anyway."
Ephemera smiled at me again, and leaned on my shoulder. It was only then that I wondered if she had always had feelings for me that she hadn't acted on because Katya and I were together. I looked down at the top of her head, allowing myself to notice the strands of her hair that laid in soft waves. Ephemera moved, and sat back up, glancing over at me as she did. Our eyes made a connection and I couldn't look away. Her eyes were such a strange color, pink or purple, I couldn't tell because they had such an interesting tint to them. Suddenly I felt the warmth of her lips pressing against mine, but before I could react or even comprehend what was happening, she withdrew, and looked embarrassed.
"I'm sorry, Patrick. I don't know why I did that. That was so inappropriate. We should go though, or I should go, I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm doing. I just wanted to make you feel better. I'll go."
Ephemera got up off the stairs we had been sitting on and quickly walked away, holding her arms across her chest as she did, probably because she felt like she had made a fool of herself.
"Ephemera, wait!"
I tried to stop her, but she just walked away faster, and out of the graveyard gates. What the fuck just happened?
Eight months had passed since the funeral, and Ephemera's kiss. I couldn't stop thinking about it, and what it meant. Had she always had feelings for me, or had she just been trying to make me feel better? People don't normally kiss their friends when they want to make them feel better... Was she caught up in the moment because we were looking at each other? Why couldn't I look away right before it had happened? Her eyes, her pretty eyes... I felt like such an asshole, Katya had died and I was supposed to be grieving for her, but I was looking in Ephemera's eyes and thinking how pretty they were? What the fuck was wrong with me that day? Her and Emmanuel and I had hung out a few more times to try to get the magic ball rolling again, but she had just talked to me as professionally as she could, and she tried her best to sit next to Emmanuel and away from me. I wasn't sure what the fuck to think about it. She probably thought I needed time to heal from Katya, or that I didn't feel the same way. The truth was, I didn't really know what I felt, but I know I didn't hate her kissing me. I also liked how she talked to me that day at the graveyard when I asked her a question, instead of avoiding the topic like Katya would always do, but the last thing I wanted to do was compare Ephemera to Katya. I thought that would be a horrible way to remember Katya, as if she was a tool of measurement. I also thought it would be wrong of me to move on to her sister if I did find love again.
"Ugh... FUCK! Why?!"
I was standing on my balcony, looking out over the beach, pissed off and irritated about everything. In a way, I felt like Katya was holding me back from living my life, like I'd somehow be disappointing her yet again, if I ever dared to be happy, especially if I decided to move on with Ephemera. I felt like I'd be stabbing Katya in the heart or some shit.
"Why what?"
I heard Armand's voice behind me, crackling a little bit because he was at the age when his voice was starting to leave its childhood innocence behind, and trading up to the lower more adult voice that would become how he would sound from now on. I continued to stand at the railing, and took a deep breath.
"I'm stuck, Armand. Just fucking stuck."
Armand's footsteps came closer and soon he was standing there with me. He didn't say anything, instead he just kept me company with his mere presence. I appreciated him whenever he did this because it made me feel like he wasn't trying to push me into getting better, he was just letting me be, letting me feel all the crazy emotions that I needed to feel to get better, something that Katya never allowed me to do.
"I miss your mom, but at the same time I don't. I feel like if I try to be happy, it'll be like I'm betraying her somehow. She's holding me prisoner, and she's not even here!"
"Dad, maybe you're the one holding yourself prisoner. I think you should do whatever you want. Mom's not here anymore, and I know you loved her, but I don't think you would be doing anything wrong by living your life the way you want. You're still alive, so you should be alive. It's like you said, she's not even here, so what are you waiting for? Do your magic, it makes you happy. Just live your life."
"You noticed? How magic made me feel?"
"Well, yeah, you were always smiling and really happy. Then you started working at the office and you changed. You were still nice, but you seemed so empty, and you hardly smiled. I felt bad for you."
I was taken aback by Armand's words, he was very insightful, more insightful than I gave him credit for. I hadn't even known that he'd paid that much attention to me, and I was touched. My son was growing up so well, despite the shitty childhood he'd had so far.
"Thank you, Armand, for noticing."
"I told Mom about it too."
"What? You did?"
"Yeah, I told her that I felt you weren't happy, and I said I thought it was because of the office job... she got really pissed off at me, like more than usual... she said I didn't know what happy was because I was just a stupid kid, and the only things I could possibly know about were superheroes and cartoons, you know, kid stuff."
"She called you stupid? To your face?"
"Yeah.... she did that a lot, actually."
"I'm so sorry."
"Don't be. It's not your fault."
It's not your fault. Armand's words stuck with me, and I remember them everyday. He pulled me out of my funk with those words, and I found a new self-confidence because he was right. It wasn't my fault, none of it was. I tried and I tried, and all she had to do was reciprocate. I'm not saying I didn't do anything wrong, because a marriage takes two to work, and two to fall apart, but it wasn't my fault that Katya ultimately died. With my new found confidence, I was able to ask Ephemera what was going on with her, and she said she had just been nervous after she kissed me because she felt like she had committed the ultimate sin by going after her sister's husband, even though Katya was dead. It turns out she had the exact same fears I did. I cleared the air with her, asked her on a date, and we've been going out ever since.
I got my magic show back on track, and I perform around town now, not just exclusively at one location. Emmanuel built me another box for a different version of my buried alive trick, and I am once again the magician with the most unique illusion. Armand freed me from the guilt and despair that was hanging over my head, and I will be forever grateful to him for that. He gave me my life back.
I watched Jack as he made his way up to the podium that was next to Katya's coffin. He looked older than when I last saw him, with gray streaks in his blonde hair, and more lines on his face than he probably cared to admit he had. I had only interacted with him during my wedding to Katya, and he had accepted me as his own. I wondered how he felt about me now, and I wouldn't blame him if he hated my guts. I knew Katya's death wasn't my fault, and from past interactions with Jack, I didn't think he would be someone who would play the blame game, especially since he knew so much about how Katya could get when she withdrew into herself.
Since he lived in France, Katya and I didn't visit him often. I knew Katya had been estranged from him for a while because of family problems, only reuniting with him on her wedding day, but I had no idea if she kept in touch with him or not. If she hadn't, I almost wished she would have because from what I remember about him, he was a very wise man. Even if he would have been mad at me or taken Katya's side while we were fighting, it would have made perfect sense, and I would have preferred that Katya go to him for advice because it might have helped. Today was a day of what-ifs for me, and I was weary, scared of what everyone would think of me. Would I be known as the husband who drove his wife to alcoholism because he was a selfish bastard, or would I be the widower whose wife was such a loner that she couldn't face her own problems with the help of her husband who wanted nothing more than to support her?
I looked over at Katya, laying there with her pretty blonde hair braided like it was when we first met, and her hands crossed over her stomach, fingers intertwined. Peaceful and tranquil. Funerals always made me feel wierd because it was just strange seeing the deceased lay there so calm and collected, when I was used to the person being far from calm while they were alive. I got the same feeling when my Aunt Helena died because I remember her fighting a lot with my parents, and she was always yelling like Katya was. I wondered how I would feel if someone I was very close to passed away, since the two funerals I had been to so far were people I was theoretically supposed to be close to, but somehow they ended up feeling like strangers to me.
"Katya was always a bit of a loner, even when she was a little girl. Some people think that only children long for the companionship of a sibling, and although some of them might, I always felt like Katya would have preferred to be an only child. She was a sweetheart, and she enjoyed spending time with me, usually at the library because her greatest love was probably her love of books. She never got along with people very well, and after a long day at school, she loved to retreat into her room away from her two sisters. When I would go in search of her, I would always find her sitting at her desk doing her homework, or reading. She also had a terrible habit of not opening up to me or anyone else when she had a problem, choosing instead to suffer in silence. Sometimes I worried that she would alienate herself too much to the point where she would become a hermit, so when she got married, I was ecstatic. I tried to help Patrick as best I could with advice about Katya when she would get into her moods, but ultimately, her demons won. I wish that things had gone better for Katya, and I sincerely hope that wherever she is right now, she is at peace with herself."
When Jack got to the part where he mentioned me and trying to help me to the best of his abilities, my fears dissipated a tiny bit that he wouldn't just come up to me and point his finger in my face with disdain. I was glad that he was able to see both sides of the story, despite not even being in the same country for any of it. Even though in my heart I truly believed that I was not the cause of Katya's death, my head was filled with lies like 'If you'd stopped her from hanging out with Carisa, she wouldn't have been drinking so much,' or ' If you hadn't been such a stubborn asshole, and just been happy giving up magic, maybe she'd still be alive.' I knew that was stupid because common sense told me Katya made her own mistakes, and that I had worked my ass off trying to compromise and make our marriage work, while she had remained stubborn and unwilling. I looked over at Carisa, who was sitting on the bench opposite me, leaning forward with her legs crossed.
I wondered what she was thinking because I didn't really understand her and Katya's friendship. I knew that Mikayla was her daughter and Armand's childhood friend, but I always felt like Carisa was somehow telling Katya what to do, as if she liked Katya because she could boss her around completely. Not when it came to me, but more when it came to raising children. I wondered if that was why Katya was never able to get along with Armand, that maybe her constantly taking child rearing advice from Carisa was actually a terrible idea. I didn't know Carisa that well, and I wasn't going to judge her on how she raised Mikayla, but I wasn't too excited about the way Carisa treated Katya. Still, she was here, attending the funeral, so maybe she did genuinely care about Katya.
Emmanuel and Ephemera sat behind Armand and I during the service. Ephemera had a look of regret on her face, probably because her and Katya had grown further apart during the times that Katya had started nagging me about quitting magic. I felt bad for her that she felt she had to take sides, but in her case, family was not stronger than friendship. Ephemera would hang out with Emmanuel and I sometimes at mine and Katya's house while I was home alone with Armand and Katya was out with Carisa. I was sad that she and Katya had become acquaintances again after they had both mended their fences on our wedding day. Emmanuel had been there through thick and thin for me, always loyal, never wavering. Ephemera had also done that somewhat as well, with her taking my side, even though Katya was her sister. They were both there for me when I had my accident, and Emmanuel's quick call to action had saved my life. I was very grateful to both of them.
My parents were also here, with their arms around each other, as usual. I loved that they were still happy after thirty-five years of being together, but I was also jealous of their closeness. I felt like a failure somewhat. Don't they say that only people who have a terrible childhood end up with miserable lives? That's what they blame it on I guess, but I had good parents, so what they say must be a crock of shit. My marriage had sucked. Sure, I had good times with Katya, but the majority of our years together sucked. My parents taught me better than this, so why did I fuck it up so bad? I thought back to the day when I had my first successful show at the Starlight, and how I had seen Katya there, wishing I could have a love with her like my parents had with each other. How wrong I was. How very, very wrong.
By this time, Jack had finished the eulogy, and we were having a moment of silence before we left to go to the cemetery for the burial.
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one if you want me to
Anywhere I would have followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm feeling so small
It was over my head, I know nothing at all
And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love, just starting to crawl
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would have followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love, and I'm saying goodbye
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would have followed you
Oh, say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something
~ Say Something ~ Lyrics by A Great Big World featuring Christina Aguilera ~
At the cemetery, Katya's coffin was set in the grave she was going to be buried in while the priest said a final prayer to put Katya's soul at rest, and then he nodded his head as he left. Carisa dropped some roses on Katya's coffin, made the sign of the cross on her chest, then walked away out of the cemetery. I stood there, staring down at the lid of the coffin, just silent. It was over, til death do us part. That had happened. I was now a widower. My parents came and gave me a hug, letting me know I could come over to their house as much as I wanted if I needed someone to talk to. I continued to stand over Katya's grave after they left, just staring into the hole, the hole that mimicked how my heart felt. Even after the sun started to set, I stood there frozen.
"It didn't have to end this way, Katya. All you had to do was talk to me, just fucking talk to me. Why did you want to always wallow in silence? Why? Was I that terrible of a husband that you didn't like to share your feelings with me? Why didn't you just say something?! Anything? I suffered during our marriage, oh, I suffered, but I at least let you know about it! Yeah, it led to us fighting, but at least I was addressing the problem! Now you're dead. You're fucking dead because you wouldn't say anything to me?! I tried, and I tried, but you shut me the fuck out! All the damn time! I loved you, I will always love you. Maybe if I had followed you to the bakery, you wouldn't have died, but I probably gave up on you at that point. Maybe I thought, 'just fuck it, she won't talk to me anyway, so why should I?'
By this point, I was yelling at the air like a crazy person, my anger at Katya for all those years rising up from within me, causing me to erupt in a fountain of tears and screaming. My vision was blurred, and I didn't realize anyone else was still at the cemetery until I felt someone's arm around me, and when I looked up, it was Ephemera giving me a warm, comforting smile.
"Hey, Patrick. It'll be all right."
Ephemera hugged me, rubbed my back comfortingly, and let me cry into her shoulder, before we made our way over to the steps in front of the funeral home. She told me that Armand had left with my parents and Emmanuel, but that she had stayed behind to see if I was going to be okay. I wiped my tears away and smiled at her. I felt like it had been years since I'd given a genuine smile to a woman. The heavens only knew that I had no reason to smile at Katya, and when I did, it was just to placate her need for me not to mope around. I looked at Ephemera, amazed at how our friendship had progressed over the years, remembering how she had left me confused and emasculated when I first met her. Now she was here, one of my closest friends, my wife's sister, who had pushed blood aside to stand by me. She was a true friend.
"Patrick? Are you okay?"
"What? Yeah, sorry. I was lost in thought, reminiscing actually, about how our friendship has developed."
"I suppose I didn't leave too good of a first impression, did I? I'm sorry about that. I had been burned before, so I was just keeping my walls up until I got to know you better."
"What happened, if you don't mind me asking?"
"Oh, I just worked for a magician before, in New York, and he turned out to be a first-class asshole. He used me as his mistress and didn't tell me he was married until I wanted more out of our relationship. So I left, came back to California, and was at the bar having a drink, when I saw your act. I still wanted to be an assistant, but I didn't want to have the same problem again. I know it's quite easy for an assistant to sleep with the magician they're working for, and keep it a secret for a long time."
"Wow, I'm sorry, Ephemera, I didn't know you'd been hurt like that before."
"It's okay, I'm over it now. He didn't deserve me anyway."
Ephemera smiled at me again, and leaned on my shoulder. It was only then that I wondered if she had always had feelings for me that she hadn't acted on because Katya and I were together. I looked down at the top of her head, allowing myself to notice the strands of her hair that laid in soft waves. Ephemera moved, and sat back up, glancing over at me as she did. Our eyes made a connection and I couldn't look away. Her eyes were such a strange color, pink or purple, I couldn't tell because they had such an interesting tint to them. Suddenly I felt the warmth of her lips pressing against mine, but before I could react or even comprehend what was happening, she withdrew, and looked embarrassed.
"I'm sorry, Patrick. I don't know why I did that. That was so inappropriate. We should go though, or I should go, I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm doing. I just wanted to make you feel better. I'll go."
Ephemera got up off the stairs we had been sitting on and quickly walked away, holding her arms across her chest as she did, probably because she felt like she had made a fool of herself.
"Ephemera, wait!"
I tried to stop her, but she just walked away faster, and out of the graveyard gates. What the fuck just happened?
~ EIGHT MONTHS LATER ~
"Ugh... FUCK! Why?!"
I was standing on my balcony, looking out over the beach, pissed off and irritated about everything. In a way, I felt like Katya was holding me back from living my life, like I'd somehow be disappointing her yet again, if I ever dared to be happy, especially if I decided to move on with Ephemera. I felt like I'd be stabbing Katya in the heart or some shit.
"Why what?"
I heard Armand's voice behind me, crackling a little bit because he was at the age when his voice was starting to leave its childhood innocence behind, and trading up to the lower more adult voice that would become how he would sound from now on. I continued to stand at the railing, and took a deep breath.
"I'm stuck, Armand. Just fucking stuck."
Armand's footsteps came closer and soon he was standing there with me. He didn't say anything, instead he just kept me company with his mere presence. I appreciated him whenever he did this because it made me feel like he wasn't trying to push me into getting better, he was just letting me be, letting me feel all the crazy emotions that I needed to feel to get better, something that Katya never allowed me to do.
"I miss your mom, but at the same time I don't. I feel like if I try to be happy, it'll be like I'm betraying her somehow. She's holding me prisoner, and she's not even here!"
"Dad, maybe you're the one holding yourself prisoner. I think you should do whatever you want. Mom's not here anymore, and I know you loved her, but I don't think you would be doing anything wrong by living your life the way you want. You're still alive, so you should be alive. It's like you said, she's not even here, so what are you waiting for? Do your magic, it makes you happy. Just live your life."
"You noticed? How magic made me feel?"
"Well, yeah, you were always smiling and really happy. Then you started working at the office and you changed. You were still nice, but you seemed so empty, and you hardly smiled. I felt bad for you."
I was taken aback by Armand's words, he was very insightful, more insightful than I gave him credit for. I hadn't even known that he'd paid that much attention to me, and I was touched. My son was growing up so well, despite the shitty childhood he'd had so far.
"Thank you, Armand, for noticing."
"I told Mom about it too."
"What? You did?"
"Yeah, I told her that I felt you weren't happy, and I said I thought it was because of the office job... she got really pissed off at me, like more than usual... she said I didn't know what happy was because I was just a stupid kid, and the only things I could possibly know about were superheroes and cartoons, you know, kid stuff."
"She called you stupid? To your face?"
"Yeah.... she did that a lot, actually."
"I'm so sorry."
"Don't be. It's not your fault."
It's not your fault. Armand's words stuck with me, and I remember them everyday. He pulled me out of my funk with those words, and I found a new self-confidence because he was right. It wasn't my fault, none of it was. I tried and I tried, and all she had to do was reciprocate. I'm not saying I didn't do anything wrong, because a marriage takes two to work, and two to fall apart, but it wasn't my fault that Katya ultimately died. With my new found confidence, I was able to ask Ephemera what was going on with her, and she said she had just been nervous after she kissed me because she felt like she had committed the ultimate sin by going after her sister's husband, even though Katya was dead. It turns out she had the exact same fears I did. I cleared the air with her, asked her on a date, and we've been going out ever since.
I got my magic show back on track, and I perform around town now, not just exclusively at one location. Emmanuel built me another box for a different version of my buried alive trick, and I am once again the magician with the most unique illusion. Armand freed me from the guilt and despair that was hanging over my head, and I will be forever grateful to him for that. He gave me my life back.
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