Armand Seven, Part One: Let it Go

Dad and Ephemera stopped being gross, and then Ephemera came back towards me, leaning on the counter as she did.

"How about you and your Dad have some more catch up time, and I relieve you of your duties as my sous chef?"

"Are you sure? I don't want to leave you high and dry."

"I'm sure. I don't have much left to do, all the mixing is done and I just have to put stuff on the stove and watch it, it'll be boring, so you two run along and have fun."

"Ok. Ephemera? Thank you, for the talk, and for being so understanding."

"It's not a problem, honey. I'm always here."

I followed Dad upstairs and we went out on the balcony, where I remember having a talk with him shortly after Mom died.

"Armand, thank you so much for being willing to give Ephemera a chance. I know you were the one who told me to go for her, but it is different hearing about me dating someone, and then having them live with me, so I wanted to let you know I appreciate your support."

"I just wanted to finally see you happy, Dad, and I love that you are."

"Thank you, I was pretty paranoid that my decision to ask Ephemera to move in would have been too soon for you or something, and I just got scared that I might have been stuck in the middle again, like when you and Mom would fight and I didn't know what to do. When Ephemera was unsure because of how she thought it would affect you, half of the weight was lifted off my shoulders, but I was still concerned how you would take it."

"Ahh, Dad, you knew I would support you, right?"

"Yeah, deep down, I did, but I guess I still have those false thoughts creep up once in a while. I got used to just feeling like things were always going to go bad. I should have listened to my heart more about how you would react."

"It's fine, Dad, really. I love how you always worried about me so much when Mom was here, but you don't have to worry anymore. I'm okay. Everything's okay."

"I'm really glad to hear that. I know how much Mom damaged you, so I'm glad you're home to talk about it. Was Ephemera able to answer any of your questions?"

"Yeah, she did answer quite a few of them. I feel a lot freer now, like I don't feel so numb anymore, but something I still don't know the answer to is if Mom regretted having me. She always made me feel like she wished I had never been born. Ephemera said Mom used to be a surfing instructor, but I don't remember her surfing at all, and I think she quit because she had me. Do you know much about that? Do you think the two are correlated?"

"I remember the day after we brought you home from the hospital, I found your mom in the closet complaining about baby weight, like she was mad her clothes didn't fit. She had said something about no one wants a fat surfing instructor, so I think her self-confidence wasn't the greatest after she had you, but she could have made choices to make herself feel better. We weren't married yet when you were born, so when we were planning the wedding, your mom pushed the wedding date back four times because she wanted to lose weight. After that though, when we finally did get married, I think she had gotten over her weight issues, but she didn't go back to surfing. She had told me she wanted to stay at home to watch you, but from what you told me, there wasn't much watching of you happening. Since it wasn't her weight issues from having you that were holding her back from surfing in later years, like when you got older, I have no idea why she didn't go back to it. My hunch is maybe she didn't like surfing as much as she claimed to, or maybe her love for it went away as time went on."

"Mom was such a mystery to me, all the time."

"To you and me both, Armand. You and me both."

"What was Mom like when you fell in love with her? I know you're smart, so I doubt that you would have gotten together with her if she was treating you like crap when you guys were dating, right?"

"Yeah, that's right. She was really different, cute and innocent, and she actually met me while I was doing street tricks outside the grocery store. I guessed her card, impressed her, and then took her out for coffee."

"Seriously?! She liked your magic?!"

I was shocked to hear Dad say that Mom used to like him for who he was. It just goes to show how much life can change people, sometimes for unknown reasons. I was having a hard time even believing that Mom used to be a nice person, but I knew Dad would never lie to me.

"Yeah, she used to think it was good that I was following what I wanted to do."

"What changed?"

"Honestly? Fear. Your mom let fear run her life. After my accident, she refused to focus on the fact that I was okay, and she kept choosing to dwell on the fact that the person who caused my accident was still alive. She was convinced that if I kept doing magic, I would eventually be murdered. That's why she made me quit. I wasn't scared like she was, but I did take precautions for my safety, and I still use those safety measures to this day. I couldn't convince Mom though, that I was safe."

"She did all that stuff to our family because she was scared? Ephemera said that too, that when Mom was a little girl, she was always scared of what people thought of her, so she did what other people wanted, instead of what she might have wanted. I'm having a tough time wrapping my head around the fact that she was scared, like from how she acted so mean towards me, it's hard to believe. I do, however, think that she might not have been showing me the side of her that was afraid, so I saw something completely different instead of what you or Ephemera saw in her, probably because I was a child. I can see though, that she was using me to get people to like her."

"Yeah, I think that is true. Remember Mom's friend? Mikayla's mother? I found out Mom really wanted Carisa to like her, so that's why she was so controlling of you as a kid. I told her not to do all that stuff, but she never listened to me."

"I don't even know why Mom wanted to be her friend, Mikayla was nice, but her mom was a jerk. I mean, she was nice to me when I went to visit, but she always had comments to say about my appearance. I just smiled politely even though I thought her comments were dumb."

"What did Carisa say to you?"

I saw Dad grit his teeth a little bit as he asked me about Carisa, and I felt bad for him because I didn't think Mom had talked to him much about her friendship with Carisa. I didn't understand why Mom never wanted to share her life with Dad. Wasn't that what it meant to be in love with someone?

"Nothing I took too seriously, but Mom did, of course. Carisa just commented on how grownup I looked if I was wearing a particular shirt, like when I wore a button down shirt, she was impressed. If I went over to her house with a hoodie on, I would get a dirty look from Carisa, and then Mom would look embarrassed. When we came back home, Mom would fight with me about how could I embarrass her in front of Carisa. It was the fights with Mom afterwards that got to me, more than anything Carisa did."

"That's interesting. I knew that Carisa was a terrible influence on Mom, but I was unaware she was using Carisa to pick fights with you. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. I saw how much you tried to talk to Mom and I also saw how much she ignored you. I don't blame you at all, and after talking to Ephemera, I've learned that I don't need to blame myself either. Ephemera said Mom acted like she did to us even when she was a child, like she tried to make Ephemera feel bad about herself. It sounds like Ephemera didn't fall for it, though. I feel like I've gained a different kind of strength from talking to her. Dad, I'm glad you encouraged it, I think I needed it."

Dad pet my shoulder and smiled at me, with a proud look in his eyes. For the first time ever, I felt comfortable and welcome in my own house, free from the invisible shackles Mom's memory had put on me so many years ago. I was so glad that I had come home for Thanksgiving, not that I wasn't going to, since I had wanted to see Dad, but I was so happy that things were turning out incredibly well. I had thought that I would be dark and disturbed forever, or something, like I'd be that wierd artist no one wanted to talk to because of how creepy he was. It was crazy how seeing myself in a new light was already reaping such good feelings in me. I saw it in Dad too, and how Ephemera made him happy. Hell, she made me happy. She was good for me and Dad, and I felt like maybe this is how I should have been feeling all along.

My day got even better when I heard a familiar voice at the patio door.

"Hey, how are my two favorite boys doing?"